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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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711. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

Some More Politically Incorrect Jokes;

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet .... I'm still pursuing her.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the A & E in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

712. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

A Kiwi and an Aussie go into a pastry shop.
The Kiwi takes three biscuits and puts them into his pocket with such
speed the baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You'll never beat that!"
The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells:
"Where's your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi's pocket! "

713. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

Golf Joke

Billy Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle
on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever
hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. He told the doctor to inform his wife where
he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf so he decided to get in a couple of more
holes before heading to the hospital... He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round
shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went
ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? Hope you're proud of yourself! You dirty
Bastard!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club ,
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round
because it will more than likely be your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock
care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag
every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

Billy broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?

[ Edit: Edited on 22-May-2014, at 08:59 by vegasmike6 ]

714. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

The difference between Officers and NCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible,
permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing
was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was
interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General
then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied
sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers
combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice
anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

715. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said,
"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of
his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably,
another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian,
you sick bastard."

716. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

THE WAY WOMEN THINK ...
Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

717. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 2y

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
MORAL OF THE STORY: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
MORAL OF THE STORY: Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're
in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

[ Edit: Edited on 23-Jul-2014, at 09:54 by vegasmike6 ]

718. Posted by veronicaverona (Inactive 7 posts) 2y

Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'

719. Posted by veronicaverona (Inactive 7 posts) 2y

Quoting vegasmike6

THE WAY WOMEN THINK ...
Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and thrills women?

A: Money.

720. Posted by veronicaverona (Inactive 7 posts) 2y

Quoting vegasmike6

A Kiwi and an Aussie go into a pastry shop.
The Kiwi takes three biscuits and puts them into his pocket with such
speed the baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You'll never beat that!"
The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells:
"Where's your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi's pocket! "

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?