Not bad, I needed a good laugh today :D
Not bad, I needed a good laugh today :D
The Irish diabetic
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartenders says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Haha, what a pun :D It reminds me of this "hey honey im home" joke. Can't tell it though, you have to see a picture :P
[ Edit: Edited on 13-Jan-2015, at 11:57 by Skikko ]
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a
steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously,
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you
there must be a simple explanation... She never got your E-mail."
[ Edit: Edited on 12-Jun-2015, at 23:00 by vegasmike6 ]
Definition of a dilemma,
A male student asked his English professor, " What is a dilemma."
The professor said. "Well, there is nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young women on one side
and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?"
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
“This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”
old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-club.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . . . Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second and mutters, 'No . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times . . . . . . . . '
Many years ago during my early married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart one day.
Elizabeth, a very very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the
noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?""It's Ed, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as
I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. “Ed,” she said (loose breasts undulating beneath her white
terry robe), "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up
later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy, and very
persuasive... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't
like it." After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said
with a smile, letting her robe fall open. "She won't know anything about this. By the way,
where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess," I replied.
[ Edit: Edited on 13-Apr-2016, at 21:55 by vegasmike6 ]