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Joke of the day.

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81. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8868 posts) 8y

It was the happiest day of my life....

Picked up in a big stretch limo....

Arrived at the church....

Beautiful sunny day....Perfect.

Opened the church doors and there she was My wife.

I slowly walked up the aisle.....

Friends and family sat either side.

I stopped at the altar and glanced over.

She looked radiant.

I leant over and gave her a kiss on the cheek....

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Then closed the lid.

82. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5073 posts) 8y

I don't get it . . .

83. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5073 posts) 8y

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

84. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8868 posts) 8y

Quoting mikeyBoab

I don't get it . . .

Your joking right?

85. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5073 posts) 8y

Nope . . .

86. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8868 posts) 8y

Quoting mikeyBoab

Nope . . .

Red face indeed my young apprentice

It was his wifes funeral ..........the happiest day of his life

87. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8868 posts) 8y

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

88. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5073 posts) 8y

But why would a man be happy at his wife's funeral?

The defendant, who has just been sentenced to a long spell in prison, is asked by the judge "Do you have anything you want to say before your sentence begins?"

"What would happen" asks the defendant "if I told you to go f*ck yourself?"

"You would be held in contempt of court, and I would be inclined to add an extra year to your sentence." replies the judge.

"What would happen" asks the defendant "if I thought it, but didn't say anything?"

"It is your right to think whatever you want. I couldn't punish you for thinking something." says the judge.

"In that case," retorts the prisoner, "I think you should go f*ck yourself." ;)

89. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 8y

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?" "Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?" "Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?" The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bast@rds!!"

90. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8868 posts) 8y

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with
perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you
let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking
away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner
before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So
the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you
let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm,
$10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the
world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing
them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not
biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are
you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

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