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Traveler's Advisory - Tourist Traps Inhumane!!

Travel Forums Off Topic Traveler's Advisory - Tourist Traps Inhumane!!

1. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

For anyone planning a trip in the US, maybe you should read this before choosing which "tourist traps" you want to visit!!
(Yes, this is humor and not to be taken at face value!)

United Nations Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

And, this one is for Phil!!! Phil - definitely take note of the "tip" third from the bottom. You thought I was kidding about going for a visit!!!! Mwahahahaha!!

Museum-Appreciation Tips

Finally, this one is for Tina! (And Greg since he lives there!!)

That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons

2. Posted by Pardus (Respected Member 2356 posts) 11y

Was there some Mustard War going the world hasn't been told about?

The brave Mustardiers facing impossible odds while defending their factory against the evil forces of the Count de Mayonnaise?

I want the TRUTH!!!! Wha' happened?

3. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 11y

Woo hoo for money that comes in different colours! I'll be damed if I can't figure out an American $1 from a $100 without having to take it out of my wallet like a clueless tourist and hold it up to the light.

4. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 11y

Quoting tway

Woo hoo for money that comes in different colours! I'll be damed if I can't figure out an American $1 from a $100 without having to take it out of my wallet like a clueless tourist and hold it up to the light.

Uh, T? The $100 has two more zeros on it.......

5. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 11y

Quoting Pardus

Was there some Mustard War going the world hasn't been told about?

The brave Mustardiers facing impossible odds while defending their factory against the evil forces of the Count de Mayonnaise?

I want the TRUTH!!!! Wha' happened?

To paraphrase Jack Nicholson..."The truth? You can't handle the truth!!!"

But since you asked........

It was in the mid 1800's in Wisconsin. The fledgeling State was in the midst of the Great Sausage and Cheese Wars. The populace of new American citizens (TM) were living under brutal conditions, but though they suffered greatly, the true American Spirit (TM) would shine through in the end. But as bad as the conditions were for the people, their condiments suffered far greater losses. Inadequate refrigeration, inferior packaging, unseemly warehousing....the list of atrocities was endless. Countless numbers of perfectly good sandwiches were ruined by the hatred which consumed all before it.

One of the most savage battles was perpetrated by a French Canadian nobleman, the (aforementioned) Count de Mayonnaise, in 1849. It seems that the Count's wife, the Countess de Mayonnaise, a rather "loose" woman, had a torrid affair with Colonel Mustard, in the drawing room, with a knife. This liaison spawned a child, aptly named Grey Poupon, for his mixed heritage. The Count was incensed, and promptly challenged Colonel Mustard to a duel to the death (en Francais---un duelle a zee dehs).

As dawn approached, Colonel Mustard summoned his most trusted and loyal troops, the (aforementioned) Mustardiers, suspecting treachery from the rather oily Count. And his suspicions were not without merit, for as the sun sank over the horizon, 38,248 footsoldiers of Mayonnaise came storming over the gently sloping pastureland of south-central Wisconsin, screaming vulgar French taunts at the brave few Mustardiers.

The Mustardiers fought bravely and with honor in the true American (TM) spirit. Scores fell, slathered in an oily white emulsion, suffocated by the stench of bad mayo. Wave after wave of bad mayo came forth to attack. The Mustardiers were hopelessly outnumbered. Summoning his last remaining troops to his side, the Colonel made the only decision left to him...he called in reinforcements. But not just any reinforcements......the mortal enemies of the Mayonnaises....the Pumpernickel Brigade of Bavaria, Iowa, the most feared soldiers in all the world.

Little did the Count know, but the battle was over. It was ridiculously easy for the Pumpernickel Brigade to mop up the Count's footsoldiers. Three hours after their arrival, it was all over. Barely a leaf of lettuce, or an onion slice, remained on the battlefield. The carnage was at an end.

To this day, children still visit the site of the momentous turning point in American (TM) condiment history. And wonder.........

6. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Little Known Facts In History are always the most entertaining!!!

Whatever happened to Colonel Mustard in the dining room with the knife?????