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Travel Forums Off Topic Jokes....

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1. Posted by WeeJoe (Respected Member 336 posts) 11y

We had some great jokes on a thread here once.

Anyone got any new ones?

I'll try to start....

A dwarf nervously walks up to the door of a convent, another dwarf following just behind. They knock on the door and look at eachother.

The mother superior opens the door, looks around and finally see's the dwarves around her knees, she prompts them to speak.

"Have you got a 2 foot nun in the convent?" The nervous dwarf asks.

"No, there is no nun of that size in the convent" comes the reply and the door closes with a bang.

The second dwarf shrugs but the first one is persistent, knocking again.

The mother superior opens the door with an impatient glare, 'What?' she demands.

"Are you sure that you don't have a 2 foot nun in the convent?" pleads the dwarf.

"No, there is no nun of that size in the convent" comes the reply and the door again closes with a bang.

The first dwarf hangs his head in disappointment as his friend puts a loving hand on his shoulder saying;

"I told you, you drunken b*stard you f*cked a penguin!".

2. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

Building the Ark in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah Jr.,
who
was now living in the United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh
before me. Build another Ark and save two of
every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have
six
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six
months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard .... but no ark. "Noah"! , He
roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building
the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department
of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines and
other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a
ban on cutting local trees in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the
animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too restrictive and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I
couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed
flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities
I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also,
the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark
building experience. To make matters worse, the
IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered
species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take
at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared. Noah looked up in
wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to
it."

3. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

A female reporter was conducting an interview
with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown,
do you have any idea what might be the cause of
the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the
cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship between this and Mad
Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a
day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the
point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with
your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once
a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

4. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned
pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to
identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had
always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician
pulled back the sheet. Darryl said, "Yup, his
face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over, and
Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer
said, "no, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?' asked the
mortician.

"Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew
he had two assholes. Every time we went to town,
folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes."

5. Posted by angela_ (Respected Member 1732 posts) 11y

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

6. Posted by Brendan (Respected Member 1824 posts) 11y

Quoting WeeJoe

"I told you, you drunken b*stard you f*cked a penguin!".

haha!

7. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

Lock the bathroom !!
>
> A man escapes from prison where he has been for
> 15 years. He breaks into a
> house to look for money and guns (obviously an
> American story)and finds a
> young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of
> bed and ties him to a chair.
> While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top
> of her, kisses her neck, then
> gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in
> there, the husband tells his
> wife: "Listen, this guy an escaped convict,
> look at his clothes! He has
> probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
> seen a woman in years. I
> saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
> don't resist, don't complain,
> do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
> how much he nauseates you.
> This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets
> angry, he'll kill us. Be
> strong, honey, Love you." To which the wife
> responded, "he wasn't kissing my
> neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me
> he was gay, thought you were
> cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told
> him it was in the bathroom.
> Be strong, honey, I love you too."

8. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

Subject: Men & Women

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect
woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a
perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a
winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of
toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on
the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an
accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for
the answer.)

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the
only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there
is no such thing as a perfect man.

  • *** Women stop reading here, that is the end of

the joke.

Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa
Claus, the woman must have been driving. This
explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still
reading, thisillustrates another point: Women
never listen.

9. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

An old lady is very upset as her husband, Colin,
had just passed away. She
went to the undertakers to have one last look at
her dearly departed
husband. The instant she saw him she starts
crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide
comfort in this sombre moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset
because her dearest Colin
was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying
wish to be buried in a blue
suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that
traditionally, they always put
the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could
arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to
have one last moment with
Colin before his funeral the following day. When
the undertaker pulls back
the curtain, she manages to smile through her
tears as Colin is resplendent
in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker
"Wonderful, wonderful, but
where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man
about your husband's size
was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His
wife explained that she was
very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in
a black suit," the
undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter
of swapping the heads
over"

10. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3562 posts) 11y

A Man who lost one of his Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "
He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!"