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21. Posted by Q' (Travel Guru 1987 posts) 11y

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
AMEN!

22. Posted by IronChef (Full Member 1076 posts) 11y

Quoting Q_Zhang

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Does anyone have her address or phone number? I have been trying to get in touch for the past couple of years and ... I think I lost her number after I left the bar?:( Please help!:) I think I love you!;) Do you like football?

23. Posted by xeronol (Inactive 12 posts) 11y

Nice stories.

24. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 10y

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to

place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out his skin, click his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised

himself a vacation after the next big score. Then clicked the light back on and

began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,

clear as bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined

his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,

in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to

warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird

Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus!"

25. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 10y

hehe if he's anything like my old rottweiler he'd probably help them for doggie choc's!!

26. Posted by lil j (Travel Guru 1303 posts) 10y

Does anyone recieve those text ones-i suppose i should count myself lucky that some of the people i know are crazy! i've had some good ones, a recent one that i can remember...

NHS regrets to inform you that your birh was an accident, please report to the nearest hospital to be put down, we appologise for any inconvenience caused.

I was drunk one night and sent this to someone and think i probably offended him-oh well, he shouldn't be such a woman, ooops!

There are some great ones.

27. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 10y

i just got one from my sis

To all my friends and family who sent me best wishes for 2005, well it did f**k all good - please send cash donations, gifts etc for 2006. and then i promise i will listen to you and have a happy new year

28. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 10y

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at
a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde
jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes,
asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
says,
"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

29. Posted by magykal1 (Travel Guru 2026 posts) 10y

I went to a dog zoo today.

They only had one dog.

It was a shi tzu.

30. Posted by Q' (Travel Guru 1987 posts) 10y

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10 a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21 . an organizser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT I S VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

  • birthdays
  • anniversaries
  • arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Have sex with him
3. Shut the hell up