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If you met God, what would you ask him?

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61. Posted by GODSPA (Budding Member 6 posts) 10y

God has asked me to express his deep regret at the flippant way in which you “earthlings” have chosen to treat his intervention (but after the way in which you treated his only son, well frankly what can we expect?; the poor boy is tree phobic and is still using the creams). And Guinness - we knew you would be a problem from he get-go ...

Can we get serious, guys. The question was: Why Now, Like This? Exam conditions please. Which of the following proof of the Big Man's existence is true:

1. The argument from Design: If you found a clock and examined the mechanism within it, you would probably think that this intricate mechanism was not the outcome of mere chance, that it had been designed. Now look at the universe; is it possible that such an intricate mechanism, from the orbits of planets round the sun to the cells in your fingernails could all have happened by chance? Surely, this enormously complex mechanism has been designed, and the being that designed it must be God.

2. The ontological argument: God is the perfect being. As He is most perfect, He must have all perfections. If God lacked existence He would not be perfect, as He is perfect he must exist. Popular with all of you Buddhists out there.

3. The cosmological argument (God as "First cause"): Everything that exists has a cause. However, there must at some time have been a cause prior to all other causes. This 'prime mover' or first cause is necessary to explain existence. This first cause is God. Even Stephen Hawking, bless him, worked this one out (and we thought he was one of the slow ones!).

4. The ‘Vegas’ theory: The French mathematician Blaise Pascal (one of our ‘smarter’ creations) put forward an argument that would even appeal even to agnostics and un-believers (we have a list!): God either exists or he does not. If we believe in God and he exists, we will be rewarded with eternal bliss in heaven. If we believe in God and he does not exist then at worst all we have forgone is a few sinful pleasures. If we do not believe in God and he does exist we may enjoy a few sinful pleasures, but we may face eternal damnation. If we do not believe in God and he does not exist then our sins will not be punished. Would any rational gambler think that the experience of a few sinful pleasures is worth the risk of eternal damnation?

We’re up here looking for signs of intelligent life ... Give us a break.

62. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed agolden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia,Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND to see if SCOTS had the same phone. He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son - it's
a local call".

63. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 10y

Quoting GODSPA

God has asked me to express his deep regret at the flippant way in which you “earthlings” have chosen to treat his intervention...

First, I hope that is your term and not God's... If it is, he's been watching way to many bad B-movies about Martians. Secondly, as a (presumably) perfect being (re: ontological arguement), "the flippant way in which we "earthlings" have chosen to treat his intervention" should come as no surprise. He (presumably) created us in his image.
(FYI: Earthlings is correct when capitalized.)

1. The argument from Design: If you found a clock and examined the mechanism within it, you would probably think that this intricate mechanism was not the outcome of mere chance, that it had been designed. Now look at the universe; is it possible that such an intricate mechanism, from the orbits of planets round the sun to the cells in your fingernails could all have happened by chance? Surely, this enormously complex mechanism has been designed, and the being that designed it must be God.

The design of the clock was by the method of trial and error. (I guess you missed that episode of Connections.) Applying that theory to the universe - how many times did God have to start over before he succeeded?

2. The ontological argument: God is the perfect being. As He is most perfect, He must have all perfections. If God lacked existence He would not be perfect, as He is perfect he must exist. Popular with all of you Buddhists out there.

Given your "As He is perfect he must exist" statement - why does he need a personal assistant? Too busy? Being perfect, he should really have a better handle on that. One would think time management would be one of God's perfect skills.

3. The cosmological argument (God as "First cause"): Everything that exists has a cause. However, there must at some time have been a cause prior to all other causes. This 'prime mover' or first cause is necessary to explain existence. This first cause is God. Even Stephen Hawking, bless him, worked this one out (and we thought he was one of the slow ones!).

Stephen Hawking stated that God throws dice, cheats and has a hidden agenda. (Yes, I've read his lectures.)

4. The ‘Vegas’ theory: The French mathematician Blaise Pascal (one of our ‘smarter’ creations) put forward an argument that would even appeal even to agnostics and un-believers (we have a list!): God either exists or he does not. If we believe in God and he exists, we will be rewarded with eternal bliss in heaven. If we believe in God and he does not exist then at worst all we have forgone is a few sinful pleasures. If we do not believe in God and he does exist we may enjoy a few sinful pleasures, but we may face eternal damnation. If we do not believe in God and he does not exist then our sins will not be punished. Would any rational gambler think that the experience of a few sinful pleasures is worth the risk of eternal damnation?

Did God not give us choice and free-will? Did they come with an instruction book and a limited warranty? Above, you have laid out what (presumably) are the rules for the game of life. Choice and free-will allow us to choose our own path. And, yes, a rational gambler would play those odds - the house doesn't always win.

We’re up here looking for signs of intelligent life ... Give us a break.

When you talk with God again, would you ask him if Elvis is there? It seems he was spotted back here, on Earth, not long ago - in Seattle's original Starbucks.

64. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 10y

Rrrrring... Rrrrring... Rrrrring... Rrrrring...

Seraphim: "Heavenly Hotline. Your host with the most forgiveness."

Tourist: "Hey there! I'm callin' to book my vacation."

Seraphim: "I'm sorry sir, you have dialed the wrong number. This is..."

Tourist: "Great! Book me for 7 days in The Garden of Eden. Is there a shuttle bus from the airport?"

Seraphim: "Sir, The Garden of Eden no longer exists. And, we are not a trav..."

Tourist: Okay! I'll take a week in The Valley of the Shadow of Death then. Is that like Death Valley? I've been there - pretty nice! Is there a hotel with a pool?"

Seraphim: "Sir, you have reached the Voice of God. We don't book tours."

Tourist: "How about that Sodom and Gomorrah place? I bet they have a world-class golf course, maybe a casino or two too? Oh, and a couple of strip clubs would suit me just fine. I'm a single guy, ya know, and just lookin' for a bit of holiday honeymoonin', if ya know what I mean."

Seraphim: "Sir, please hold while I transfer your call."

Musical interlude while on hold...

Tourist: "La, la, la, la, la, la, la.. La, la from Ipanema goes la, la, la...

Minion: "Reservation Desk."

Tourist: "Hey there! I'd like to..."

Minion: "Yes sir, you are all set. Your vacation package has been confirmed. You will be arriving at midnight tomorrow. The staff of the Hostel On The River Styx will have your room ready. Thank you for using Lucifer's Luxury Tours. Have a nice day!"

Click

65. Posted by GODSPA (Budding Member 6 posts) 10y

Finally, intelligent life! And a Moderator too … In order:

He invented B-movies; a cultural high point but, being skeptical and arrogant about the possibility of life other than on earth, you guys didn’t get the joke!

He is constantly surprised; life on earth is a little bit like a bad game of pool – He starts the balls rolling, but He cannot tell what they will do. Perfect – He wishes.

Building your universe was a bit of a struggle, it took 6 days and, you know, on the 7th day we partied. Not so much trial-and-error; just hard to use all the pieces (the instruction manual was rubbish).

Busy? You don’t know the half of it. We’re overseeing billions of universes, most much more complex and satisfying than yours. Actually we invented time management as a little joke; it’s in time wasting that the path to true enlightenment lies. Buddha worked that one out …

We told Stephen Hawking stated that God throws dice, cheats and has a hidden agenda (God didn’t tell Stephen that the dice are, of course, loaded, just like Vegas; we didn’t tell him how or when He cheats; and we are kind of waiting for you all to identify the agenda – and no, it’s not “hidden”, you’re just not getting it).

God gave you choice and free-will to see what you would do with them. Big mistake … No instruction book (as Douglas Adams surmised, just make it up as you go along). Are you a rational gambler? If you are then He/I exist.

PS: Elvis sends his best and has a question. When will the estimated 85,000 Elvii (impersonators) be sending the royalty cheques? Burgers and Shakes cost a fortune in heaven, and the boy is flat broke.

PPS: Any other intelligent life out there?

66. Posted by joey22 (Travel Guru 561 posts) 10y

i'd ask god to build me a big concrete skatepark in my back garden!

joey :)

67. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 10y

Brrriiiing!

St. Peter's Gate: Hello, Pete speaking.
Caller: Hi - uh, is my wife there, please?
Pete: No, Mr. Smith. I haven't seen her this morning.
Caller: Oh. Can you give me a ring when she gets there?
Pete: Sure - should we be expecing her?
Caller: Well, she just left the house and I cut the brake line yes- uh, I mean...
Pete: I think you want Mortal Sins. Call back and select Option 2. A heavenly day to you!

68. Posted by Pardus (Respected Member 2356 posts) 10y

Quoting tway

Brrriiiing!

St. Peter's Gate: Hello, Pete speaking.
Caller: Hi - uh, is my wife there, please?
Pete: No, Mr. Smith. I haven't seen her this morning.
Caller: Oh. Can you give me a ring when she gets there?
Pete: Sure - should we be expecing her?
Caller: Well, she just left the house and I cut the brake line yes- uh, I mean...
Pete: I think you want Mortal Sins. Call back and select Option 2. A heavenly day to you!

LOL!! You crack me up, Tweety!

Intelligent life??? I prefer wisdom and the ability to think properly to intelligence any time...

'And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, 'cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!'
(Monty Python, The Meaning Of Life)

69. Posted by Jase007 (Travel Guru 8870 posts) 10y

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. There she starts chatting with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gate when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful blood curdling scream. " Don't worry says St. Peter, its only
someone having holes put into her shoulder blades for wings". The old
lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God" says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "she is having her head drilled to
fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, I'm going to hell".
"you can't go there, says St. Peter. "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"May be so," says the old lady, "but I already got the holes for that!"

70. Posted by GODSPA (Budding Member 6 posts) 10y

The Pythons: we think they got it, but nobody took them seriously. The Parrott sketch ... it was meant to be an allegory on the fragility of life, mediated by a general lack of understanding for the Parrott condition. And you all thought iot was meant top be funny. Funny! Don't make me laugh. Didn't you know that John Cleese was sent by the Devil herself to divert you all.

TO SWAT, FEW LYR