An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. ! Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
Jesus: Hello, Son of God here. How can I wash away your sins today?
Alex Trebec: Hello, Jesus!
Jesus: Oh no, not you again.
Jesus: I mean, I'll take "Ad nauseum requests for $200, Alex".
Alex: Great! And the answer is: "Chest pains and shortness of breath."
Jesus: Um... What is...Super Bowl Sunday?
Alex: Nooooo! Try again please, Jesus.
Jesus: What is... an allergic reation to peanut butter?
Alex: Close but no cigar! I'll give you another shot.
Jesus: OK, OK. What is... you're having a heart attack?
Alex: Bing! Bing! Bing! Excelle-
GodsPA, just a few questions:
1) Why do triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) Why at the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) Why does your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Why is it that you've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Why has everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Why is reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Why does nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
8) Why do you never know where to look when eating a banana.
9) Why is it impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
10) Why does every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Why does old women with mobile phones look wrong.
12) Why is there's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
13) Why does no one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
14) Why do people who don't drive slam car doors too hard
15) Why is it that in every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
TO SWAT, FEW LYR
It's all too much to think about, so I think I'll have another beer....
Finally, intelligent life! And a Moderator too …
Thanks! Is moving from "Earthling" status to "Intelligent Life" status a baby step or a monumental leap forward on the evolutionary scale? Or, maybe just an upgrade to business class on Ethereal Airlines...
He invented B-movies; a cultural high point but, being skeptical and arrogant about the possibility of life other than on earth, you guys didn’t get the joke!
Never assume... The joke was not lost on all. I also happen to agree that B-movies are a cultural high point. They speak volumes - maybe even Kubrick would agree.
He is constantly surprised; life on earth is a little bit like a bad game of pool – He starts the balls rolling, but He cannot tell what they will do. Perfect – He wishes.
Yes, but even over time, a bad pool player tends to improve on his game. If He wishes to be perfect, it denotes He is not. If He is not perfect, then He would lack existence. (Dichotomy is such a funny word...) Is He lacking existence in total, just a piece here or there (say a leg or arm or ear), or is it lack of faith in Himself?
Building your universe was a bit of a struggle, it took 6 days and, you know, on the 7th day we partied. Not so much trial-and-error; just hard to use all the pieces (the instruction manual was rubbish).
Ah, who is "we"? The teaching of God would have us believing He was a singular entity at the time of creation. Where did the rest of the partiers come from - another universe? Was He not responsible for creating those also? Did they just appear out of thin air (rather like the appearance of Caine's wife...)? (Don't even get me started on that one!)
Busy? You don’t know the half of it. We’re overseeing billions of universes, most much more complex and satisfying than yours. Actually we invented time management as a little joke; it’s in time wasting that the path to true enlightenment lies. Buddha worked that one out …
Ooohhh, I'm humbled. Well, not really. Try studying real estate. By the way - when He's got a free moment, would you ask Him what little joke he's playing on us by inventing "legalese"? Thanks in advance.
We told Stephen Hawking stated that God throws dice, cheats and has a hidden agenda (God didn’t tell Stephen that the dice are, of course, loaded, just like Vegas; we didn’t tell him how or when He cheats; and we are kind of waiting for you all to identify the agenda – and no, it’s not “hidden”, you’re just not getting it).
Sorry - Stephen knows the dice are loaded. He still says there's a hidden agenda. Maybe God just didn't understand him very well.
God gave you choice and free-will to see what you would do with them. Big mistake … No instruction book (as Douglas Adams surmised, just make it up as you go along). Are you a rational gambler? If you are then He/I exist.
Are you equating yourself to God with "If you are then He/I exist."?
"Are you a rational gambler?" Rather depends on the game...
Do I believe He exists? The jury is still deliberating - has been for years - it's a big decision. As for your existence - still busy workin' on the Big Guy. It's a time management thing and I'll have to get back to you on it.
PS: Elvis sends his best and has a question. When will the estimated 85,000 Elvii (impersonators) be sending the royalty cheques? Burgers and Shakes cost a fortune in heaven, and the boy is flat broke.
I wasn't elected treasurer or the EI fund so I can't answer that one. I suggest you contact Wayne Newton. I think you'll find him in Vegas playing pool. Oh, and until those funds come through, try the fishes and loaves trick - it's worked in the past.
Rrrrring... Rrrrring... Rrrrring... Rrrrring...
Cardinal: "College of Cardinals. How may I direct your call?"
Fr. John: "I wish to speak to Cardinal #1, please."
Cardinal: "I'm sorry, the Cardinal is not available. He has some health issues to tend to."
Fr. John: "May I speak with Cardinal #2 then, please?"
Cardinal: "I'm sorry, the Cardinal is not available. He has some legal issues to attend to."
Fr. John: "All right, how about Cardinal #3? Is he there?"
Cardinal: "Sorry, not available. Gender issues. Just between us, he prefers to be called Sister Mary Margaret now. But, you didn't hear that from me."
Fr. John: "Right, got it. Cardinal #4 around?"
Cardinal: "Nope. Try again.
An hour has passed...
Fr. John: "Cardinal #192?"
Cardinal: "Nope. That's a shut-out."
Fr. John: "Then who is left? That's all of them!"
Cardinal: "That would be me. Oops, no, ummm.... We're sorry, we can't take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep and we will get back to you as soon as we can. BEEP"
Fr. John: "That's not an answering machine! I've been talking to you for an hour!"
Cardinal: "I'm sorry, your call can not be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again. BEEP"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
St. Mark: Hey, God. How's things?
God: Good, Mark. What's up with you?
St. Mark: Oh, the old knee's been acting up again lately..
God: Oh, can you hold on a sec? I've got a beep. Hello?
St. John: Hi, God. It's me, John.
God: Oh, hi there, John. I'm just on with Mark. Can you give me a minute?
St. John: Sure! No problem.
God: Mark? It's John on the other line. I'll have to let you go. He probably wants to talk about the apocalypse. We'll be sharing a horse, you see - but, saints above, that man has the BO of a wild baboon on an all-garlic diet.
St. John: Uh... it's still me, God.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
"If you met God, what would you ask him?" ?????
HIM???? Try HER What would you ask HER?