Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big".
St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.
Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Skoda to drive.
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Mondeo."
The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Mondeo and the Skoda saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
Guinness: GodsPA would like to reply on His behalf ...
1) Why do triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. Fewer points, and they are in the right places.
2) Why at the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
It’s usually down to some some crude Scotsman; you were put on earth to make woman cry.
3) Why does your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
Urine is one of the key “connecting” fluids of the universe; ask fish.
4) Why is it that you've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Why has everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
He doesn’t know, but will ask Douglas Adams (who thinks the important answer is 42, but doesn’t know the question.
6) Why is reading when you're drunk is horrible.
It’s the same as is writing when is drunk …
7) Why does nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
Bowls are the wrong shape, and you should always follow the instructions.
8) Why do you never know where to look when eating a banana.
Girl’s don’t seem to mind.
9) Why is it impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Urgh. He designed them not to get wet.
10) Why does every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
The drink seems to be getting to you …
11) Why does old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Anyone looks wrong; they were invented by the Devil.
12) Why is there's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
Drink again …
13) Why does no one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
14) Why do people who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
It’s not possible to slam car doors too hard; they don’t break.
15) Why is it that in every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Ask Judas, he was a bad chip.
[quote=GODSPA]Finally, intelligent life! And a Moderator too …
Thanks! Is moving from "Earthling" status to "Intelligent Life" status a baby step or a monumental leap forward on the evolutionary scale? Or, maybe just an upgrade to business class on Ethereal Airlines...
He has aksed me to point out that you are one th first step of a very long ladder to intelligent life; eg. your world leaders, supposedly the creme-de-la-creme, are a pretty ppathetic bunch.
He invented B-movies; a cultural high point but, being skeptical and arrogant about the possibility of life other than on earth, you guys didn’t get the joke!
Never assume... The joke was not lost on all. I also happen to agree that B-movies are a cultural high point. They speak volumes - maybe even Kubrick would agree.
Stanley sends his regards, and asks all those terrible critics to view "Eyes Wide Shut" as a JOKE. 2001 was his best, but he had help from Gallileo and Newton on the hard parts
He is constantly surprised; life on earth is a little bit like a bad game of pool – He starts the balls rolling, but He cannot tell what they will do. Perfect – He wishes.
Yes, but even over time, a bad pool player tends to improve on his game. If He wishes to be perfect, it denotes He is not. If He is not perfect, then He would lack existence. (Dichotomy is such a funny word...) Is He lacking existence in total, just a piece here or there (say a leg or arm or ear), or is it lack of faith in Himself?
Self doubt has never been a big issue for Him; its all of your doubts which worry Him. And before you ask, I am of course part of Him.
Building your universe was a bit of a struggle, it took 6 days and, you know, on the 7th day we partied. Not so much trial-and-error; just hard to use all the pieces (the instruction manual was rubbish).
Ah, who is "we"? The teaching of God would have us believing He was a singular entity at the time of creation. Where did the rest of the partiers come from - another universe? Was He not responsible for creating those also? Did they just appear out of thin air (rather like the appearance of Caine's wife...)? (Don't even get me started on that one!)
And in the begiining there was God, and that's pretty much alll you need to know. Yahweh.
Busy? You don’t know the half of it. We’re overseeing billions of universes, most much more complex and satisfying than yours. Actually we invented time management as a little joke; it’s in time wasting that the path to true enlightenment lies. Buddha worked that one out …
Ooohhh, I'm humbled. Well, not really. Try studying real estate. By the way - when He's got a free moment, would you ask Him what little joke he's playing on us by inventing "legalese"? Thanks in advance.
He's pretty hot on real estate, owning a large slice Himself. Lawyers, et al, you better ask the Devil about all that
We told Stephen Hawking stated that God throws dice, cheats and has a hidden agenda (God didn’t tell Stephen that the dice are, of course, loaded, just like Vegas; we didn’t tell him how or when He cheats; and we are kind of waiting for you all to identify the agenda – and no, it’s not “hidden”, you’re just not getting it).
Sorry - Stephen knows the dice are loaded. He still says there's a hidden agenda. Maybe God just didn't understand him very well.
If the agenda is hidden, why does the poor boy keep claimiong to know what parts of it might be? Career move?
God gave you choice and free-will to see what you would do with them. Big mistake … No instruction book (as Douglas Adams surmised, just make it up as you go along). Are you a rational gambler? If you are then He/I exist.
Are you equating yourself to God with "If you are then He/I exist."?
"Are you a rational gambler?" Rather depends on the game...
Do I believe He exists? The jury is still deliberating - has been for years - it's a big decision. As for your existence - still busy workin' on the Big Guy. It's a time management thing and I'll have to get back to you on it.
"I am He as you are He as you are me and we are all together", as the Walrus said.
PS: Elvis sends his best and has a question. When will the estimated 85,000 Elvii (impersonators) be sending the royalty cheques? Burgers and Shakes cost a fortune in heaven, and the boy is flat broke.
I wasn't elected treasurer or the EI fund so I can't answer that one. I suggest you contact Wayne Newton. I think you'll find him in Vegas playing pool. Oh, and until those funds come through, try the fishes and loaves trick - it's worked in the past.
The Big Man will not eat the F&L we gave him, believe me.
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang-out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang-out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes". "Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2 . It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the xhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
" Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God "hold on". God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
"If you met God, what would you ask him?" ?????
HIM???? Try HER What would you ask HER?
Whatever the gender, I'd ask how much time we all had left before the big bang...so much to do...so much to see...I'd like to know if I have to hurry up.
The great mystery here, it seems to me, is the unholy spelling of "claimiong" by God's chosen one. I'm wondering if this is a ploy to confuse and agitate us mere mortals, or if the devil him(her)self is playing us like a lute?
Food for thought.
Okay, let me see if I have this correctly in my mind... I move from Earthling to Intelligent Life but still remain on the first step of the evolutionary scale, and I'm dragging all of the world's leaders with me? Well, that's rather defeating, isn't it?! And, "creme de la creme"?? Not even close! They are just the ones who are power-hungry enough, wealthy enough, and dumb enough to think they can rule their little corners of the world. Okay, sure, in some places, they are actually voted into office. How does the Big Guy feel about supporting global anarchy? Or, maybe get the eight-ball rolling in the same direction as some of the other planets. You know - those where you have had better success. Just a thought...
Better yet, I'll extend an open invitation to Him. Come on down for tequila shots, Cuban cigars and we'll discuss it at length. We can even invite Kevin Smith.
It's nice to know that He has a good self-image. It's an important trait for any deity, especially one of his magnificence. Though again, I'm still stuck on this: "you are, of course, part of him" (I corrected for punctuation). So, God is all-encompassing - including you. Cool! But, does he practice astral-projection in order for you to have these little chats? Is it more like pulling a rabbit out of a hat - now we see you, now we don't? Plain ol' blind faith? (Oooohhhh, but isn't that what He's all about...)
*Note to self: Ring up Michael Palin and invite him too.
Oooohhhh (again)... You haven't heard???? I'm shocked!!! Ol' Stephen H. is a candidate for running this universe. The competition is weak so he has a chance at being elected. (I think someone has been left out of the loop... That happens sometimes... Probably a mistake...)
*Another note to self: Get in touch with the Walrus. He might like to join the party.
Sorry about the fishes and loaves thing. At least the Big Guy and I agree on one thing - fish is not food. Food should not taste that bad. Bread, on the other hand, is the staff of life... Maybe a trip to a Cracker Barrel is in order. They make a consistent biscuits and gravy, and available any time of the day.
PS: 14) Why do people who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
It’s not possible to slam car doors too hard; they don’t break.
Maybe not - but the windows do. (Been there - done that.)
In case you haven't noticed - Tway has a thing about grammar, especially the use of punctuation.
The topic of holding a Devine Spelling Bee has been bantered about recently (as in today). A sign-up sheet will be posted soon. It has also been suggested that Pardus be invited and that he bring the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Mind you, just as a deterrent in case anyone considers cheating an acceptable way of winning. The Watery Tart (sans scimitar) will be the Moderator for the event.
ok godspa,go and tell your master that he took the joke too far the day he made the mosquitos biting so itchy.
This is unacceptable,irresponsable and has no reason to be!!!!
Jesus: Ding-dong, Son of God calling!
Housewife: Oh my, I'm still in my curlers...
Jesus: That's OK. I have the ability to see all people at all times.
Housewife: Even that time when...oh, dear...
Jesus: I'm not here to pass judgement.
Jesus: Well, yes of course. But I'm not HERE, you know, at your HOUSE to pass judgement.
Housewife: I see. What are you selling today, Jesus?
Jesus: I have here the Holy Father's limited-edition, one-of-a-kind Vatican Venial Sin Vacuum.
Jesus: Just plug it in, and its powerful centrefugal force picks up any little sin that's been left lying around. It's good for little white lies, sins of omission, tall tales, low blows, and more. It works wonders on swear words and idle gossip.
Housewife: Impressive! Does it pick up mortal sins, too?
Jesus: Afraid not. We have to have something to work with on Judgement Day.
Housewife: How much does the Sin Vacuum go for?
Jesus: The VVSV sells for three heavenly payments of $29.99, plus tax.
Housewife: That sounds wonderful! Just let me call my husband...
Jesus: Oh, he's busy with his secretary right now, I'm afraid. Shall I come round again tomorrow?