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Married or NotMarried - Ring?

Travel Forums General Talk Married or NotMarried - Ring?

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11. Posted by CubeFree (Budding Member 4 posts) 10y

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your help. I'm looking forward to more responses, but I feel that I should clarify a few things.

First of all, it's not that I "took the ring off", it's that I didn't wear the ring, something which I never do anyway. I've had colleagues at work complain about it, saying things such as "oh, I thought you were married" or "did something happen that we should know about", but I always say, "no, I just don't like wearing it, my relationship is better than ever", which is true. I am getting sick of having to explain the same thing over and over - my wife thinks it's funny - she suggested getting a tattoo on my forehead or wearing a large spiked collar with her name on it. :-)

As for "coming clean" with my wife, I think I am not communicating this very clearly. My wife knows about this, she is 100% cool with this, and she trusts me completely. (Why do you think she lets me take 4 week backpacking treks on my own, while other husbands can't have a single evening out with the guys without harassment for weeks.)

The reason I felt guilty when I returned from my last trip is the same reason I posted this in the "Travel Companions" section of this forum - because I am interested/concerned/curious as to the feelings of others who might inadvertently travel with me. I sincerely believe that I was treated differently & that I didn't act differently at all. I'm asking the members of this forum to look into their hearts and honestly reply - would it make a difference to you?

This experience also gives me insight into those who have different lifestyle preferences - it isn't easy when you choose to do something slightly different.

Looking forward to the next batch of responses...

12. Posted by james (Travel Guru 4136 posts) 10y

Hang on a minute, I'm confused.

I actually don't know what you're asking, and what I should "look into my heart and honestly reply" to.

I know that I'm quite simple, but what's your actual question?

13. Posted by mim (Travel Guru 1276 posts) 10y

Hey I'm the person that moved your post, I'm sorry if you intended it where it was in TC but I thought you might get a better response out here in the general talk forum.

My personal opinion, although like James I'm not totally sure what you're asking, is that Marriage is an institution and it's up to the individual couple as to what degree they indulge in the "traditions" as it were of for instance wearing the ring, If you feel that the relationship is beyond this, then good for you I don't see anything wrong with that, but at the same time the tradition of the ring is there for a reason. To let people know you are a part of something big. Which you are (lucky you btw ;) ).
If I met someone while travelling and I got along with them I would have fun and get along with them whether they were married or not,

maybe you thinking you had a better time is something to do with girls flirting with you maybe?? teehee, just kidding, but may you shouldn't read so much into this.

cheers
mim

14. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 10y

Quoting CubeFree

The reason I felt guilty when I returned from my last trip is the same reason I posted this in the "Travel Companions" section of this forum - because I am interested/concerned/curious as to the feelings of others who might inadvertently travel with me.

That's the part that confused me: you feel guilty about what other people think? If you're 'being true to yourself', then whatever other people think is pretty moot.

People who travel alone and are in (unmarried) committed relationships aren't any more 'single' than someone who doesn't wear their wedding ring. It's all in what you divulge, and how you speak about your wife/girlfriend/partner to other people you meet. You say you didn't act any differently from one trip to the next, but on the first trip you wore your ring, and on the other you told people you were newly divorced. No wonder people were treating you differently!

15. Posted by Q' (Travel Guru 1987 posts) 10y

Look, you obviously have 4 cases that cover all the possibilities:

1) married
2) married but no-one knows you're married since you "never" wear you ring anyway.
3) unmarried
4) recently divorced

No one here can know what exactly the people you ran into thought you were. Like most people we judge how we're treated based on what we're used to. So you must also consider how people treat you at home. Again no one here knows how they treat you.

For me, I treat people how they want to be treated. If someone wants to spend the entire night talking about their significant other, and I don't get bored, then I'll chat with them. If someone tells me, they're recently divorced and want help to forget about their past, I'm going to be more cheerful for them. None of this is hard to figure out. But, like most people I now have no idea what you want to know.

16. Posted by mtlgal (Full Member 1179 posts) 10y

Quoting CubeFree

I sincerely believe that I was treated differently & that I didn't act differently at all. I'm asking the members of this forum to look into their hearts and honestly reply - would it make a difference to you?

I don't think that I'd treat somebody differently just because he/she is married. Granted, I can't recall meeting many travelers who are married but traveling solo (maybe they tend to do like you and lie about their marrital status). But I have met plenty who have boy/girlfriends back home but are traveling solo. Honestly, it really doesn't make any difference, unless I'm interested in a guy. If there's a guy I'm interested in and he has a girlfriend back home, then I might not be as flirty as I would have been. That being said, the last time I travelled, I did end up having a little fling with a guy who had a girlfriend back home. But I figured that that was his problem and a whole other discussion altogether.

17. Posted by summer910 (Respected Member 1342 posts) 10y

I'm not sure I see the need to hide the fact I'm married (I'm not, but for the purposes of discussion...)

If I'm proud of the fact that I'm married to a wonderful person and I enjoy my relationship with him, I'm happy to talk about it when asked and I don't see the need to hide or give any sort of impression that I'm not who I say I am. Of course, one needs to be cautious while travelling, but there's a difference between being cautious and putting on another front.

I don't treat married people differently, but if there was a guy who was interested in me (and vice versa) and he didn't have the courtesy to tell me upfront he's married, then I think that says something about his character.

Just my two cents.

18. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 10y

Quoting CubeFree

The reason I felt guilty when I returned from my last trip is the same reason I posted this in the "Travel Companions" section of this forum - because I am interested/concerned/curious as to the feelings of others who might inadvertently travel with me. I sincerely believe that I was treated differently & that I didn't act differently at all. I'm asking the members of this forum to look into their hearts and honestly reply - would it make a difference to you?

I think I "sorta, kinda, maybe" understand what you are asking - at least in this paragraph... That is, would it make a difference to me, as your "travel companion", if you didn't happen to wear your ring for whatever reason and you were treated differently because of you choice (not to wear your ring). Then again, I may still be as confused as everyone else...

As your travel companion - inadvertent or not - it's really none of my business. Unless you choose to discuss this "discovery" with me, and even then, I don't care. This is an issue between your wife and you. That is how I would view it. If she is "100% okay" with it, as you state she is, then it is a non-issue. Being a travel companion means we are sharing our travel experiences, not our home life.

On the other hand, the fact that you decided to create a different persona for yourself (divorced, etc.) actually speaks volumes. The absence of the ring is probably not what caused people to act differently around you - it was the lie that came with it. Whether you looked at is as a game to be played or just an experiment in human nature - doesn't matter. You did not respect your wife enough to acknowledge her - with or without the ring.

19. Posted by GoTime (First Time Poster 1 posts) 10y

I've found that if you are a fun, friendly guy many people, escpecailly women, can misunderstand your friendliness as "hitting" on them and therefore treat you much differently. If you're secure in your relationship take the ring off and have a good time.

BTW, it does not work the other way around. Ring or no ring, women are rarely looked at as having alterior motives behind their freindly interactions.

There a million other ways to let a woman know that you are not available other than wearing a ring.

20. Posted by james (Travel Guru 4136 posts) 10y

I'm married and wear my wedding ring, but still get hit on by women all the time.

My wife hits me, my mother hits me, the little old lady down the street hits me....