Now I just read a really good one, so I thought to myself - "Hey I should start a thread." So how about we post some jokes, but don't just go search the internet for 101 Crappy Jokes... just post a couple that you think are really good.
Them's the rules so... "ST..H... U"
A Canadian, a American, a really hot chick and an old lady are on a train.
They're sitting there quietly untill the train enters a tunnel, and for some reason the lights dont come on.
Now its a long tunnel and after a few minutes of sitting in the dark, everyone hears a LOUD "SLAP!"
Sure enough when the train finally exits the tunnel, the American has a huge red slap mark on his face.
Now the old lady sees this and thinks: "That poor young lady, That American must've grabbed her knee and she slapped him"
The hot chick sees the slap mark and thinks: "That poor old lady, that american must've wanted to grab my knee but grabbed hers, and she slapped him!"
The American is thinking: "That DAMN Canadian must've grabbed the hot chicks knee and she slapped me by mistake"
The Canadian meanwhile is sitting there thinking: "Boy I hope there's another tunnel so I can slap that American again"
What's the difference between a tornado and marriage?..
They both start off with alot of sucking and blowing but in the end you lose your house
Ok I meant to say similarity but what the heck - you get the jist!!
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Mental Health Evaluation
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
A Box of Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find something. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few moments later the man deposit a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter.
The sales girl says confused " Sir .. I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He says " You see.. its like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tabacco and some rolling papers cause .. ' its so much cheaper!'
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she..
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch & sniff card at the bottom of a swimming pool
2 elephants fall off a cliff... Boom Boom
2 monkeys are sitting in the bath. 1 goes "ohhhhh oohhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhh".... the other replys "well, put a bit of cold in then"
A short joke...
A seal walks into a club.
Two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks...