The Final Countdown
A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She is puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyways.
The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.
"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.
"Thats it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it works, you've got another thing coming!"
"Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up doing him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said,"How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard
the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,it's a Ferrari."
Have you heard what's making the headlines?
Quoting Lil Liz
Have you heard what's making the headlines?
haha short and sweet! And I may remember it!
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
Bush is a little perplexed by this and! says, "But you don't look like you
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
You almost made me piddle....
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
two old boys on a night out from the old folks home go to a brothel for a spot of sex. when the madam sees them she decides not to waste any of her girls on them. so instead she puts two blow up dolls in the beds and lets them at it. afterwards when comparing notes one guy says 'i think mine was dead cause she was cold and made squeaky noices when i tried to ride her'. other guy says mine was a witch , when i nibbled her breats she farted and flew out the window.