"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
- Yogi Berra
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
'If you can lie on the floor withouth having to hold on to anything then you're not drunk!'
DAN QUAYLE, FORMER US VICE PRESIDENT
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
For those of you not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems:
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
RECENT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR of VIZ:
Anne Robinson was recently voted Britain's worst dressed woman.
Yeah......so what about the p * ssed-up bag lady behind our local bottle bank,
who sh * ts her pants on a twice daily basis and recently set her coat on fire? ...she must have come second.
I thought all your readers might like the fact that the Prime Minister of India is called Hairy Vadge Pie ......or something like that.
Can I just inform your more ignorant readers that not all lorry drivers are murderers. Some of them are just rapists.
The other day I rushed round to my neighbour's house to warn them of the kangaroo in their garden.
Imagine how silly I felt when they explained it was just their greyhound having a sh * t.
There's no pleasing my wife. She complains when I leave the toilet seat up, she complains when I leave it down and p * ss all over it.
So, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down does it ? Well I'm an insulin dependant diabetic and after following this advice I am now two months into a life threatening hyperglycaemic coma. Thank you very much Mary f * cking Poppins.
These so-called disposable cameras are such a farce. Now I have absolutely no record of a perfectly lovely holiday.
I was shocked to hear that following her death, the Queen Mum's coffin was in turd at Windsor Castle. ......
Surely it would have been more respectful to bury her in soil.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."