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that same old argument

Travel Forums Off Topic that same old argument

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1. Posted by zenjenn (Full Member 25 posts) 12y

So it's come to that again. Every relationship I'm in is either ended or stunted by the same argument...how I've chosen to lead life. I know it's rough having to deal with someone who always wants to be somewhere else, and usually is. I know it's hard not knowing whether or not she'll ever decide to stop. Still, whats the use worrying about it now? I don't need to hear lectures on safety and responsibility. I don't need to hear how unreasonable I'm being for having dreams, no matter how far fetched they may seem. It CAN be done, but not if I don't try. No one reaches their dreams and lives doing what they love by sitting at home wishing. It takes DOING and SEEING and EXPERIENCING.

Anyone else here deal with this? AM I being unreasonable?

I'm not even sure I'm asking for any answer to either of those questions...I just needed to vent...thanks in advance.

2. Posted by applegirl (Full Member 144 posts) 12y

Maybe the person you're with isn't right for you if he or she makes you feel that frustrated. Either you should just do your thing, live life the way it makes you feel happy and good (without this person you're with now) and perhaps along the way you'll find someone else that shares your dreams and view of life.
Or you should ask yourself the reason why you get so upset with his/her views.. maybe this persons doubts (or whatever it is) are also your own doubts.

If you have a big appetite for life and want to experience lots of different things, whatever it is, go for it! As far as we know, we only live life once, so better make the most of it. Having said that it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do a million trillion things or travel 50 times around the globe and once to the moon - sometimes you can have the most beautiful time at home, doing nothing, really.

Well, I wish you all the best on this weird wonderful journey that is life. And I'm sure you'll fulfill some of your dreams, however far fetched they may seem now.

3. Posted by IMonaghan (Respected Member 431 posts) 12y

Jenn,

I'm in the same boat as you. Travelling and moving has put an end to nearly every relationship I've ever been in, and is bringing my current one to a close as well it seems.

I don't think it's a matter of being unreasonable or not, the girl I am dating now is great, but she can't stand the idea of leaving NYC, I on the other hand can't stand the idea of being in one place forever. Some people are just nomads. I think you'll find a lot of them here on TP.

Every time I get into a new relationship I make sure to be very forward about how much I love to travel and move around the country/world, but without fail after a year the girl I am with starts talking about buying a house or "setting roots" and stops talking about travelling around the world.

I think you just have to keep on going alone until you either decide you've found somewhere you want to stay, or get lucky enough to find someone who wants to travel with you. For me neither one of those things seems likely so I just keep going it on my own. Anyways, best of luck to you with things, I hope everything works out.

Regards,
Ian

4. Posted by travelover (Respected Member 494 posts) 12y

Jenn and Ian,

Power to all the nomads of the world! What you guys do takes a lot of courage and you guys face the fear of the unknown every time you unroot yourself from your current location in search of a new place to rest your heads. I agree with all that was said here. Although going through life alone doesn't seem appealing to the bulk of us, it's not necessarily the case in a nomad's life. We've all heard the saying (which btw, bothers me but whatever) "You will find love when you least expect it", and although i hate to say it, it's true. So go on living your life as you wish, focus on what makes you happy, and things will fall into place somewhere down the line. It'll happen when the time is right, and the person is right.

Hugs and Good luck!

Tam

5. Posted by mtlchica (Respected Member 922 posts) 12y

Jenn and Ian,

I can relate so much. My last relationship ended because the guy I was dating cuold not deal with the fact that I may move away or travel a lot with my career choice (amongst other things pertaining to my career, but travelling was a major reason). He couldn't deal with the fact that if he stayed with me, that he would either have to do a long distance relationship (which I never enjoyed, because I have done it before) or pack up and move for me. When he realised that I would accept a job offer across the country- or even across the globe - without consulting him first, he got very hurt and felt that he would be making all the sacrifices in the relationship (ie: moving away). If we were married I would have understood his troubles concerning the "consultation process," but we were just dating (albiet for a couple of years).

It came to the point where he was so uncomfortable with my career choice that he asked me to quit. It hurt me so much that someone that said he loved me would ask me to quit something that I loved so much. My dreams. It took me a while to figure out what I loved and what I was good at and what made me happy, and he wanted me to throw it all away. He used the excuse that if I had asked him to quit something he would, but the point was I would never ask him to do that. It put such a strain on our relationship that we just couldn't go on any longer.

Now I don't expect anyone to move away or uproot their lives for me - that wouldn't be fair. I need someone that understands where I'm coming from and won't ask me to change my ways for them. Someone who's open to travelling and living in other places.

Jenn, I agree 100% with Ian's last paragraph about finding someone who'll make you want to stay or that will travel with you. I send you out some hugs :), and if you ever need to talk I'm here. :)

And to quote a really good Aerosmith song: "Life's a journey, not a destination," so even if you feel hurt right now, just know that, if anything, you'll come out of your situation knowing yourself a little better :) (And I know right now that's hard to believe, but it will make sense when the tough part has subsided) Stay true to yourself and it'll all work out for the best.

Cheers and hugs,
Katie ;)

6. Posted by Gelli (Travel Guru 2457 posts) 12y

My two cents (another bored night, so another longwinded ramble follows - you have been warned)

I've come up with a foolproof way to ensure that i never have that argument - stay single!

At the moment my lifestyle just isn't compatible with having a partner and i'm quite happy with that. I'm not saying that i try and avoid finding a girlfriend, but i don't go out of my way to get one. I've got a fantastic life, get to travel huge amounts (often at very short notice and for unknown lengths of time) and love and highly value my freedom, which would obviously be largely reduced if i had a partner - partners i've discovered normally they want to know unnecessary things like "are you going to come home at some point in the next 3 weeks (how the hell do i know?)" or have stupid complaints like "i sent you out 3 days ago to buy some milk - what the hell are you doing in Iraq?!"

Some people always want to have a boy/girlfriend and a stable life/security point - I've never had that need/feeling. I can see that at some point i may want to settle down and live a normal life (i sure as heck hope not, but stranger things have happened), but not yet.

Although admittedly i'm at the extreme end of nomadicness, Ian's point about the girl wanting to settle down and buy a house is scary - i've never owned a car or even any furniture, and just buying an old sofa for a rented room is a big scary step for me as it implies i may be contemplating staying somewhere!!!

I'm also kind of the opposite to Ian - all my girlfriends have come BECAUSE of my traveling/moving around. However, i suppose it's actually quite scary that i've never yet a partner that lived in the same country to me (wherever that was at the time) or has been British to any degree, so have never really had a normal (not long distance) relationship i suppose.

The love where you least expect it thing is also extremely true (I was engaged to someone i met that way!), and suprisingly common, and possibly not that suprising - people you meet when traveling or away from home are often fellow travellers etc. who at least understand your wanderlust to a certain degree.

Jenn - to answer one of your questions - no, your absolutely not being unreasonable. People don't need the same dreams as you, but have to at least be able to respect/accept yours.

Katie - not sure i entirely agree about your moving for a job without consulting him first. Even if you'd made your mind up entirely, i'd have thought if you'd been going a couple of years you should have at least discussed it with him first, even if you had no intention of actually staying.
Having said that (not the same thing), but when i moved to Sweden my parents only found out when i sent them a postcard a couple of months later...

Oh, and i do have another way to avoid thoe arguments which i found works even better - be skint, horrendously boring, humourless, ugly and smelly. It works just great

I've finished. You can wake up now.

7. Posted by mtlchica (Respected Member 922 posts) 12y

Gelli: Just to clarify what I meant (I babbled a bit on my post and realised I wasn't too clear in what I was trying to say). I didn't mean that I would just up and leave without telling him first (That would be horrible!). What he turned out to be was controlling. I had only realised it towards the end of our relationship (or maybe that was only when it surfaced). What he basically wanted was for me to ask his permission to move, which was totally not cool (along with asking me to quit...another not cool move). He felt that he would be making all the sacrifices and it just wasn't right. That said, I'm also not the type of person to change my life drasticly for another. What it came down to in the end was him testing me to "see how much I loved him" and what I would do for him. It's funny no matter how well you think you know someone, something can just come out of left feild and surprise you. Ok I'll stop now before it turns into an all-out Dr. Phil moment

(And not telling your parents that you moved? tsk tsk tsk ;) )

K

8. Posted by mtlchica (Respected Member 922 posts) 12y

(Don't want you guys to think I'm a cold, heartless you-know-what! lol)

Cheers,
Katie ;)

9. Posted by zags (Respected Member 370 posts) 12y

Guys, maybe I'm not such a nomad like you, but still I'm a little bit phobic about the idea of "settling down". The company I work for has a housing ownership allowance program - so far many of my colleagues have taken that chance so they own a house, but I haven't. First, the idea of having to pay for the loan for many years makes me feel "stuck" in the same company, although I've been working here for a few years now. Second, the idea of having my own house makes me feel "stuck" in the same place and easily located - although I've been living in the same house for a very long time now.

I just don't like the idea of being tied up. It goes the same way to relationship. I never say the "forever" word or sweet promises, because we don't know the future and I don't like saying big empty words. I'm afraid of marriage - the idea of staying forever with the same person. (Am I a phobic?) I'm pretty rare here , someone who understands when even a woman still not thinking about getting married (which is pretty rare here).

But I came from a pretty traditional family. My parents wouldn't easily give me permission for many things I want. It has been making me even more curious to try things I never did before - although I don't confront them often enough, I've been an underground rebel ;) I know I should talk to them but I've tried several times and it's difficult.

Katie - I know what you mean. ;)

10. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 12y

hi guys,

just to say that i was in the same boat a while back and it was really frustrating to be told to stop dreaming............well time has changed and now I'm going out with someone who has even bigger dreams then me and instead of holding me back we're going to explore the world together.............yeah i know soppy / crap / etc.........but hey when you least expect it you get bitten by the damned love bug................