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Anyone good at helping, with friendship problems?

Travel Forums Off Topic Anyone good at helping, with friendship problems?

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1. Posted by Mel. (Travel Guru 4567 posts) 9y

My boyfriends friend is now married to a woman I only met twice.
The first time I met her was 2 years ago, when she visited us, with my boyfriends friend.
Since then, she has sent me so many emails. She leaves nothing in their lives private and nothing to guesswork.
Also she is constantly telling me that her life is meaningless and that she is unhappy.

I feel more than a little resentful, because the relationship between me and her is very unbalanced. She talks about her problems all the time, and I dont want to talk about mine nearly as much, especially since I have only met her twice, and I have known her husband for 10 years. I like my privacy. Whenever I talk about anything I like, she is either uninterested, or else I feel uncomfortable talking about it, because she thinks it is all very well for me who has hobbies and can do things. She says she cant do things or have hobbies because she finds everything so meaningless. I just feel like I dont get much out of the friendship and am just playing an agony aunt role.

Would anyone have any advise for me? Do u have friends like this? Can I end the friendship, even though she is my boyfriends friends wife?

2. Posted by arif_kool (Travel Guru 1757 posts) 9y

Quoting Mel.

Would anyone have any advise for me? Do u have friends like this? Can I end the friendship, even though she is my boyfriends friends wife?

Mel,

there are people like what u told everywhere. It is in the nature of some people to be like that, they just dont know what they are saying, maybe she is innocent and is ignorant of the consequences of her telling u about the private life...

I would advise u to counsel her and inculcate rational thinking in her so that she becomes ur friend rather than being ur boyfriends friends wife:)

Arif

3. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 9y

Perhaps your friend is mildly depressed? Maybe she needs someone with a good listening ear to help.

Plus, friendship is a two-way street. If, for whatever reason, you don't care to share with her, it's not really a friendship. An acquaintance, maybe, or simply your boyfriend's friend's wife, but not a friend. I decided awhile ago that "friendships" I felt obligated to were no longer worth the effort, and cut them out. What a relief! We dont have to be friends with everyone, just friendly.

4. Posted by samsara_ (Travel Guru 5353 posts) 9y

I suppose if you feel she's just bugging you then do what you feel is best.

On the other hand, not every relationship has to be exactly balanced in terms of give and take. Maybe she just needs a listening ear at the moment and you could provide that without necessarily getting an equal amount back from her.

Who knows when you might need a shoulder to lean on? ;)

5. Posted by Mel. (Travel Guru 4567 posts) 9y

Thanks both of u.

I know about this womans and her husbands health problems, I know about their sex life, I know about everything they eat..... She tells me bloody EVERYTHING.
If my boyfried told so much to somebody about us, I would leave him. It would be so embarassing. My boyfriends friend knows nothing about it. He thinks we talk about the kids, all the time. She even asked me to keep everything she tells me secret from my boyfriend a while ago, and was annoyed that I said no.

6. Posted by Mel. (Travel Guru 4567 posts) 9y

Thanks Samara. But she has been like this for 2 years now, all the time. I dont think I can listen to any more of it. And I know my boyfriends friend, for a lot longer than I know her. I am more his friend, than hers in reality. I dont think he would want us to know quite as much as she tells us, about him and them;)

[ Edit: Edited on Sep 3, 2007, at 8:34 AM by Mel. ]

7. Posted by samsara_ (Travel Guru 5353 posts) 9y

Seems pretty straightforward to me so. Next time she's describing their sexual antics in detail or whatever, just stop her and explain that you feel a bit uncomfortable with the "delicate" details. If you say it in a nice way, make a bit of a joke about it, you won't hurt her feelings.

Best way to deal with things is be straight up about it. And if the worst happens and she does get offended, then as you say you weren't really that close anyway.

8. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 9y

Quoting Mel.

If my boyfried told so much to somebody about us, I would leave him. It would be so embarassing.

I've found the best, most solid friendships I have are with people I share the hard stuff with - the things you wouldn't dare tell strangers. The stuff it makes you almost uncomfortable to reveal. It's that level of give and take, and trust, and vulnerability that makes a friendship so strong. The more perfect and unembarassing you make your life out to be, the less "real" you become to other people. But it's all a perosnal choice. If you dont like how you feel around this woman, just tell her, or else don't hang around with her anymore. No sense being consistently uncomfortable.

9. Posted by Mel. (Travel Guru 4567 posts) 9y

Thanks girls;)

[ Edit: Edited on Sep 3, 2007, at 8:49 AM by Mel. ]

10. Posted by arif_kool (Travel Guru 1757 posts) 9y

Quoting Mel.

Thanks girls;)

One boy also had replied to ur post...u left me out

Gender discrimination

Arif