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Mince Pies

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31. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 8y

mmmmmmmm . . . . athletes' foot . . . . . .

32. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 8y

It's just the mixture of suet and candied fruit that's so bad.......if it were just raisins, plums, rum, brandy, vodka, tequila, sour mix, orange juice, grenadine, creme de menthe, more rum, vodka, tequila etc.,
it would be quite palatable.

We have the same thing here but made into a loaf......commercial fruitcake...made with green and red artificial cherries, something resembling pineapple chunks, plastic raisins, and a binder that might have been actual flour in a previous life but is more likely Elmers Glue. It was conceived in 1938 by a patient at the New York State Facility for the Criminally Insane, one Hans Gluessbender, a recent immigrant from Wiesbaden who apparently couldn't handle the Christmas season in New York, and was subsequently committed for life. The commercial fruitcake was developed originally as a potential countermeasure to the military build-up in Germany prior to WWII, but was deemed too inhumane to actually use in combat. Neville Chamberlain had argued successfully that the British Empire had defeated the rest of Europe for many years using only the mince pie. Winston Churchill had allied himself with Franklin Roosevelt to develop an even more sinister weapon of mass consumption, hence the overcooked brussels sprout came into being. But I digress...........the fruitcake is potentially the most sinister and toxic of all things considered food. I suspect the Bush Administration has used the fruitcake as an interrogation tool at Guantanamo.

So, quit your whining or we'll send over an A-380 full of Swiss Colony Fruitcake. Afraid? No? Then look here.....Sweet Death

33. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

Quoting Isadora

Mushrooms are a fungus. Athlete's foot is a fungus. But I digress...

Ah-ha! You see, this is why I like Isa so much. My feelings exactly! I don't eat what grows between people's toes. I don't think one needs to explain a dislike of mushrooms. It's pretty obvious!

34. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

If you just can't bring yourself to have mince pies, these cookies may be right up your alley (or mine anyway).

TEQUILA COOKIES

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

**** CHERRY MISTMAS ****

35. Posted by lagered (Budding Member 230 posts) 8y

Beerman makes an excellent point. Fruitcake (non of this whimpy non meat containing 'mincemeat') is pure saturated evil with twice the fat.

The puritans presented a verson of fruitcake to the native americans and thus took over thier land while the native's stomaches rebelled against what had been thoughtfully presented to them as a peace offering. Depending on how you trace the origins of this land snatching fruitcake it may have been an earlier version of biologic warfare. Thus starting the theory that spontanous combustion may in fact be due to the eating of fruitcake. People exploding randomly? I think not! Its from the fruitcake!

World domination plans have historically been centered around which tribe/sect/gathering of people could make the most terrible fruitcake imaginable and send it to the opposing side. Is there any reasonalbe explanation why an island nation was and is a major world power (UK)? Fruitcake! The axis powers during the second world war made the mistake of eliminating 'fruitcakes' which ultimatly led to their demise. No fruitcake equals no secret weapon.

What goes into a fruit cake....? Pure concentrated evil, but maybe thats just the catholic description. I'd like to think its not made out of lesser materials but i'd be wrong. Could there in fact be ground up concrete... maybe. Glass shards... probably not. Candied fruit you say. hmmm... i'm not buying it. Candied fruit is the equivalent to putting the rotten fruit into large press with 100 X sugar to mask any fouling flavors.

But alas, there could be a reasonable explanation to make and serve this to your guests at christmas/holiday season. You either hate them #1, or you want them to leave soon (and hopefully not use your bathroom). Just remember this holiday season, if you have no weapon it is likely that your land will be snatched by greedy fruitcake bearing individuals.

[ Edit: Edited on Dec 12, 2007, at 6:15 AM by lagered ]

36. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 8y

you guys have made me hungry now, luckily i have mince pies for dessert !!!

but totally agree on the yuck to mushrooms (allergic anyway ) and to double yuck to brussels !!!!

37. Posted by Clarabell (Travel Guru 1696 posts) 8y

I don't believe there is any substance known to man that makes one fart as much as the brussel sprout.

38. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting Clarabell

I don't believe there is any substance known to man that makes one fart as much as the brussel sprout.

Beans.

Another group of foods that should be banned for human consumption. Who said, "Let's take these seeds, soak them in water for days to soften and then boil them until they are mush."? Okay - great to use as brick mortar but that's about it.

39. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

For the record, let me state that red-bean chips have the same effect.

Pfft.

40. Posted by Purdy (Travel Guru 3546 posts) 8y

Im thinking barley - that goes into home made veggie soup - it has that effect also.

Back on topic - Mince Pies (and Christmas Pudding and Brussel Sprouts) are putrid BUT on the up side - turkey, ham and stuffing are all good!!