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Non Sequitur

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161. Posted by Piecar (Travel Guru 894 posts) 7y

....two soft boiled eggs. Ted fried up a couple pieces of bacon to go along with it. "Rashers?" He thought. "What the hell are rashers, and why are they applied to bacon?"
Weird the fleeting thoughts you get. He continued preparing his breakfast. He whipped up some batter for pancakes, and in no time had himself a stack which he added to the oven to keep warm with the bacon. Next was ham....
.....hmmmm. No ham. But there was hamburger. What the hell, hamburger patty time! Man! His wife would normally be all over him for the cholesterol! Yehaa! Damn the torpedoes!
Beside the hamburger was some cold beer. There were three cans that had taken up permanent residence in the back of his fridge since his wife had made him quit a few years ago. He had finally stopped looking at them longly. But what the hell, seemed silly to let 'em go to waste. He popped the top of one and took a swig. The sound of the top popping was almost better than the taste. There were few things that sounded better than a beer opening.
Hmmm. He'd never thought that before. Must be the new outlook on life that he had come to embrace.

"Anyhoo," he said to the air. "back to cooking." He closed the fridge and turned back to the counter, hamburger in tow. He had to step over Elaine's body, and kicked her a little bit by accident. But she didn't complain. Just stayed with her face to the floor, silently weeping.
He made a ball with the hamburger and then dumped some hot sauce and pepper on it. Then he started kneading the ball to make sure the spices were evenly dispersed.....

The damn phone ringing was getting on his nerves!!!!!!!

"Stop fucking ringing!!!!" He yelled suddenly. This made Elaine yelp. Roger had a much better reaction. He pissed himself. This made Ted immediately happy again. But he shot the phone anyway, as a matter of principle. It blew apart on the wall, sending the over long cord spinning wildly. Good! he hated that phone. Elaine had put it there as an ode to Family Ties that stupid eighties show. What a ridiculous paean! We're worshipping the fricking Keatons? Elsewhere in the house he could hear another phone ringing...He presumed it was the ridiculous princess phone by the bed.

"Hey, Roger, old buddy." Ted said jovially. "Pissed yerself there, my man. Sure cuts in on the old suavity, that urinating on yourself. That kind of thing gets out, you don't get to screw the neighbourhood ladies so much anymore, know what I'm sayin'?" He tipped Roger a wink, which he thought was mighty big of him, all things considered.

Roger looked like he was going to say something. That would not do at all. Ted pulled the Magnum (Eastwood certified!) out of his pants. Roger put his face back to the floor.

"Right, " Ted mused "Where was I?"

Hamburger! Right! You have to knead the hamburger to evenly disperse the spices......

"TED! WE NEED YOU TO ANSWER THE PHONE....!" said someone outside over a megaphone. "WE CAN WORK THIS......"

(alot of action recently! sweet)

D

[ Edit: Edited on 27-Sep-2009, at 16:17 by Piecar ]

162. Posted by TravelSoup (Budding Member 33 posts) 7y

....We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Think of what you're saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright.
Think of what i'm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So i will ask you once again.
Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if i am right or i am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out”

Captain Oveur felt that song was the best way to diffuse a bad situation. Constable McCroskey fell along side with thoughts of Turkish prisons and gladiators swirling through his gin soaked head.

Captain Oveur: You'd better tell the boys we've got to get in there as soon as we can. There may be people to be gotten to a hospital.
McCroskey: A hospital? What is it?
Captain Oveur: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

In unison they gazed back to the house...

163. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

Of Fun, by Madness.

164. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 7y

...takes it's toll.
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

I remember doing the TIme Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Let's do the time warp again...
Let's do the time warp again!

Penelope sat motionless in her theater seat, trying desperately to figure out an escape route. How she ever let Rupert talk her into dressing up as a bad Elsa Lanchester's Bride of Frankenstein and coming along on this little fantasy trip, she'll never know. As if the costume wasn't bad enough, there were all the props. What the hell was she going to do with rice and newspapers and a water pistol and a flashlight and rubber gloves and toilet paper and toast? She knows she forgot a couple of items but in this crowd of whacked-out weirdos, who was going to notice. Oh, yeah, Rupert noticed. He even instisted on calling her Magenta when he knows her name is Penelope. They've been friends for years. Magenta is a color - not a name. Maybe she'll use the rubber gloves to strangle her meek mild companion. It'll take days for anyone to find him under all the newspapers.

Penelope spotted a dimly lit exit sign at the front of the theater. If she was quick, she could make her escape under the barrage of toilet paper... Maybe she could even...

165. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 7y

make it to visit her brother Harvey and his rather strange new companion, Igor, the ape, whom Harvey had met during a trip to darkest Africa.

She wondered what had become of Harvey's ex-wife, Margaret. Then she remembered. Margaret had discovered Harvey in a compromising position with Igor..Who knew Harvey was gay....And, since it appeared Harvey was no longer interested in her..That's Margaret, not his sister....She, that's Margaret, had run away with one of the porters and was living happily ever after in a village somewhere in Swaziland....

As for Penelope, it was a mad dash to freedom! Then she realized something. No one was, actually, chasing her. The weirdos were, in fact, nothing more then a large group of people singing "Kumbaya" while swaying to the music of Lawrence Welk.

Penelope looked about. Since she was dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein and was carrying a ukulele and a bucket of tapioca, she was certain nobody would notice her.

As she approached the exit, she notice a strange......

166. Posted by zaksame (Respected Member 571 posts) 7y

Quoting chayisun

make it to visit her brother Harvey and his rather strange new companion, Igor, the ape, whom Harvey had met during a trip to darkest Africa.

She wondered what had become of Harvey's ex-wife, Margaret. Then she remembered. Margaret had discovered Harvey in a compromising position with Igor..Who knew Harvey was gay....And, since it appeared Harvey was no longer interested in her..That's Margaret, not his sister....She, that's Margaret, had run away with one of the porters and was living happily ever after in a village somewhere in Swaziland....

As for Penelope, it was a mad dash to freedom! Then she realized something. No one was, actually, chasing her. The weirdos were, in fact, nothing more then a large group of people singing "Kumbaya" while swaying to the music of Lawrence Welk.

Penelope looked about. Since she was dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein and was carrying a ukulele and a bucket of tapioca, she was certain nobody would notice her.

As she approached the exit, she notice a strange......

...glow emmenating from the ticket booth. It shimmered in the heat rising from the accordian-shaped radiator and was a ghoulish green in colour. No, she thought, it's not ghoulish, its the colour of a Fat-Frog ice-lolly. The thought of the ice-lolly made Penelope feel like vomiting there and then. But there was no time, she had to leave this temple to lascivisous behaviour and temporal insanity, and now.

Penelope smashed through the 'IN' door and into the thickly descending evening fog.
At the corner of Apple Street she took a left then a quick right saw her emerge onto Plum terrace. Ah! Plum Terrace, she stood and looked up to where Clarence once had his appartment but in the swarming fog it was invisible...
"My God, is that you Pen?" said....

167. Posted by TravelSoup (Budding Member 33 posts) 7y

…Paper. ‘ohhh why don’t you slide over here and carve your lovely blue fluid all over my blank white sheets’ thought the now damp with fog Paper. Paper had been longing for a tall slender stylus like Pen to appear out of the darkness. For Pen was no ordinary writing implement, a ball point Pen15, equipped with brass ball, dispensing lovely viscous azure blue ink. The years had been hard for Paper, years of neglect in the bottom drawer of Procrastinating Writers desk. Occasionally, a sheet removed only to be made into an airplane or crumpled into a humiliating ball and tossed across the room. That was all in the past now, all could change, anything was possible… perhaps the cap could be removed and the sweet union of Pen and Paper could finally be completed. Pen on the other hand was on uneasy, Pen wanted nothing to do with Paper. Pen wanted…

168. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

..for treason, kidnap, massacres and worst of all defacing a coin with the Queen's head on it.
On the run for nearly 4 decades, time was catching up with them both, as well as the long arm of the law. They knew, just like Bonnie and Clyde that behind every tree there could be a cop waiting to finish them off. Yet they continued laughing and drinking in every tavern they found. All the drink, food and beds were paid for with stolen money from innocent victims.
This particular morning they had asked for breakfast in bed. They had spent quite awhile drinking with the landlady and landlord the previous night, yet when there was a knock on the door and a person quietly said 'Good morning - breakfast', it wasn't a voice either of them recognised. He reached for his weapon and she grabbed his..

[ Edit: Edited on 30-Sep-2009, at 11:56 by BedouinLeo ]

169. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 7y

...a double chocolate malted, cheeseburger with the works and an order of fries. All Manny could think was, "Boy, this Pen broad sure can put it away!". But, Manny ultimately didn't care. He was sure he would get lucky tonight even if it was costing him $3.74 plus tax. Just look at her. Blonde. Buxom. Beautiful. She was everything he'd ever wanted in a woman. She was even the silent type - not a word escaped her voluptuous ruby red lips. Manny admired the way she sat seductively next to him too, letting him put his arm around her shoulders and cop the occasional feel beneath her blouse. Now this was a girl he could learn to love...

"Hey mister, roll down your window." said the roller-skated waitress.
"What? Hang on. Let me roll down the window.", replied Manny.
"Thanks mister. That'll be $3.47 plus tax and tip." said the waitress.
"Here, take this $5.00 and keep the change.", responded Manny, feeling like a big spender. All he could think was this Pen chick was going to be impressed with the way he threw around his money.
"Hey mister. Hope you don't mind me askin', but what are you doin' with that life-sized blow-up....

170. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

.. image of the person who decided that nothing in shops includes tax - and it's added on at the till ?"
"It's the whole idea of tax tax tax and more tax the world over that makes me think I need to take evasive action now, rather than later. The blow up model is just the start of it. I want to actually blow them up. From Robin Hood to Communism, the world has to be a fairer place for all. If I show this blow up to as many people as I can, it might just make a difference."
"Careful", shouted someone from across the road. "If you upset the powers that be, they'll tax public opinion."
With that he just walked off with the blow up under his arm, thinking that nobody would ever listen.
Meanwhile, outside the 7/11 a young girl stopped and stared at him and his blow up. "Oi", she shouted,"Is that a blow up of the person who said "Extra tax at the checkout on everything ?"
He thought "My first supporter." He ran over to her, only to discover to his sadness that she was in fact doing no more than..