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Non Sequitur

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171. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 7y

...enjoying a very relaxing pedicure at the resort's day spa...

"Madam, would you prefer mango melon or red hot momma? Both are great colors for your skin tone.", asked the manicurist.
"I specifically asked for black. The bastard died on me and I'm in mourning. Black.", replied Charlene
"Oh Ma'am, I am so sorry for your loss. Black it is. I understand.", said the manicurist.
"HA! He left me penniless! Had to hock the ring just for this trip. Make that red hot momma instead."

And as Charlene contemplated her circumstances, the manicurist applied the glistening red gloss to her toenails. What was Charlene going to do after this trip? She had no money. The house was in foreclosure. The cars had been repossessed. Walter had hocked her jewelry and replaced it with paste. She was poor. She was alone. She had red toenails. She needed a...

172. Posted by zaksame (Respected Member 571 posts) 7y

...drink.

At the bar of the Blue Hibiscus Club Charlene ordered a cocktail.
"What kind of cocktail you want lady?" the barman asked.
Charlene examined his tight buttocks. "You choose," she purred.
The barman tumbled some bottles, flipped the lid from a jar of glace cherries, unfurled a paper parasol and slammed the concoction on the bar.
"Whadda ya call that?" Charlene asked.
"It's real name is a Pacific Pleasure but I just call them Crawlers." The barman stuck a cocktail stick between his teeth and rested both elbows on the bar in front of Charlene.
"Why do you call them Cralwers...."
"Salvatore, my name's Salvatore," he hissed.
"So Salvatore," Charlene leaned in closer, "why do you call them Crawlers?"
Salvatore fingered the charms on her bracelet. "I call them Crawlers because...

[ Edit: Edited on 04-Nov-2009, at 04:32 by zaksame ]

173. Posted by BedouinLeo (Inactive 698 posts) 7y

.... they are always sucking up to..

174. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 7y

...the professor. It's "Can I help you grade papers?" or "Can you help me with this concept? I'm so confused!" or worst of all "Our sorority is having a party on Friday night. We'd love to have our favorite professor there." All said with those coy innocent batting-of-the-eyelashes looks. It's enough to make one puke. No. Seriously. PUKE!

Poor Bernice sat there in class, watching the little wannabe hens clucking around Mr. Dunsfield. It was disgusting. She kept telling herself it had nothing to do with being denied acceptance into BBB (Beta Beta Beta or Big Blonde Bimbos as she referred it it) but she knew differently deep down inside. She had been a loser. Poor Bernice had applied time after time and still the Bimbos didn't want her. If only she could do something to get Mr. Dunfield's attention. That would show all those perky little cheerleaders with fake boobs who actually counted.

Class had ended and Bernice sat alone in the auditorium. Still contemplating her obvious inadequacies (not blonde, no boobs, nor a bimbo), Mr. Dunsfield approached her and began...

175. Posted by Piecar (Travel Guru 894 posts) 7y

...ias."

"Begonias, idiot..." I breathed to him side mouthed. It was hard to send that message to him quietly, with our new blonde neighbour standing so close. But the second it was out of my mouth he started grinning. I was the straight man by accident. Set up again.

"Yeah. Usually they are...But I only began to plant them...I never really finished." He arched an eyebrow. He was confident of the laugh.

And she did. She brayed! Her laugh was delicious in that slightly bizarre way that is so hard to define. Good because it's unexpected. Like how sausages are delicious when syrup accidentally gets on them, but not when you do it on purpose. Or how occasionally a rich baritone can come out of a small unassuming looking man.

That was the thing with my man Limburger. Not handsome, not funny, not suave....but so confident that it didn't matter that it tended to win people over. Often, you laughed at his humour with gusto even though you knew it wasn't funny. You listened to a long story with no point and no real payoff, because he told it so.....

176. Posted by Piecar (Travel Guru 894 posts) 6y

....sad that you're not as smart, as you thought you were in the first place. The money, no more insulation....."

I hadn't heard that song in years...Doug and the Slugs. Good old Canadian band. Stupid name though....Come to think of it, Canada had a history of bands with stupid names. Barenaked Ladies, Men Without Hats, or, a personal favourite, Corky and the Juicepigs....Who came up with these....

177. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 6y

...clown shoes. What a great idea. Let's design fashionable women's footwear with 4 inch toothpick heels, long pointy toes and, just for shits and giggles, hideous colors. They will be all the rage!!! Sadly, Alphonse's creations were a hit on the runways of Paris, Milan, New York, London, and East Dubuque. He was featured in Vogue, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, Glamour and House Beautiful to name a few. Females from around the globe couldn't buy them up fast enough. It was a sensation in the making...

Until that fateful day... Had it not been for the small wrinkle in the red carpet in Moscow, Slevanka would not have fallen off of her shoes, knocking out 4 front teeth, breaking both ankles, bruising an elbow, rupturing her spleen and poking out an eye. The eye was just the tragic result of Alphonse's anger at Slevanka's fall, which caused him to throw a Swarovski crystal-encrusted chartreuse 6 inch stiletto in her general direction. It met it's unintended mark.

Now, just a shell of a man, Alphonse can be found....

[ Edit: Edited on 12-Jan-2010, at 12:34 by Isadora ]

178. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 6y

Working as a circus performer. Now called Alphonse the Incredible, he spends his time being shot out of a cannon. Most of the time he does hit the net at the end of the tent. However, last Saturday, during a performance in Green Bay, he unfortunately overshot the net, landing in the elephant enclosure and hitting Dumbo. Dumbo, being startled, fell backwards onto Chuckles, the Clown. Service was held for Chuckles last Tuesday. As for Alphonse, after he bounced off Dumbo, he landed in the arms of Bertha, the strong lady. Bertha, thinking Alphonse had deliberately set the cannon so he would find Bertha, kidnapped him and, last seen, Bertha was jogging down the highway with Alphonse over her shoulder. Apparently, they ended up in.....

179. Posted by bex76 (Moderator 3720 posts) 6y

....Buenos Aires doing the tango wearing.....

180. Posted by zaksame (Respected Member 571 posts) 6y

...Prada and Gucci. It's funny, thought Alphonse, how times and peoples' fortunes change. One minute a circus performer, and the next...