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Raccoon

Travel Forums Off Topic Raccoon

1. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

My Wife and I recently lived in a home out in the country....in front of our house was a country road.

My Wife was standing looking out the front window.

"Can you come here for a minute?"

"What is it?" I asked, standing beside her and staring out toward the farmer's field, which is on the other side of the roadway...

"Look, on the road..."

I Looked...

" I don't see anything.....Oh yea, the raccoon on the road."

"I think it's dead."

"Well, either that or it's sleeping."

"How can you joke about that? The poor thing.."

"Hit by a car, probably. Oh, well, them's the breaks....Let's go finish lunch."

"How can you talk about finishing lunch when that poor raccoon is out there, lying on the road. He's liable to get....You know..."

"Squashed?"

"Yes..."

"And you would like to do what?"

Sue stared at me....I should have known what was coming....

"We can't leave that poor thing on the road. How would you like to be left on the road like that?"

"Well, first, I would look both ways before I crossed the road and second..."

"Yes?"

"Second, I wouldn't be out at night looking for garbage. Now can we go back and have lunch? I'm hungry."

"We are NOT leaving it on the road..."

" I hope you don't mean what I think you mean......AH, C'MON, Sue....We aren't..."

"Yes we are..."

With that Sue walked away to get ready to go out to the road to remove dead raccoon.

Five minutes later she called me from the Sun Room...

"Let's go!"

I walked into the Sun Room and there was Sue......

Wearing her mosquito hat, rubber gloves, in her rubber boots, carrying a shovel and a plastic bag....Ready for action...

"You'd better wear your mosquito hat and your rubber gloves, too," She said, " And get your rubber boots."

"Sue, baby, I understand shovel, the rubber gloves and the plastic bag but...Why the mosquito hat?"

"Because, after we remove the poor thing from the roadway we are going to bury it."

"AH, C'MON... That means we have to go into the woods....."

"Precisely.....Thus..The mosquito hat and rubber boots...Let's go."

So, out to the roadway we go....Looking, no doubt, like two prospectors trying to find someplace to dig for gold....

We arrive on the scene of the accident.

"Hey, I said, "Maybe we should call 911...Report a hit and run."

"Not funny, Mcgee....Gee, he's kinda...."

"Dead?"

"That's not very nice. It was a living creature, you know. Poor little thing..."

"Yea and now it's deceased..Sound better? Let's get this over with...I'm hungry."

"How in the world can you talk about eating at a time like this..I mean, really.."

"Ok..sorry....So what's the plan?"

Sue stared at the raccoon.....

"This is what we will do," she said, " Here's the shovel....You pick it up with the shovel and put it into the plastic bag...but BE careful..We don't want to hurt it....I mean...Be careful."

So, we, after a couple of minutes of hit and miss with the plastic bag, accomplished our goal....The removal of raccoon from roadway.

Next..The burial....

Off we trudge, toward the woods.

We follow the path into the woods and are greeted by swarms of mosquitoes.

"So, " I ask, "where do you want to bury the little bugger."

"Under that tree..That looks like a good spot....He should be happy there.."

I let that remark pass.

So, I begin to dig a hole.

"That's not deep enough...That's too round....That's good!"

Sue places the plastic bag containing the remains of one dead raccoon, into the hole...

I start to shovel in the dirt...

"Wait a minute," Says Sue.. " We should say something..."

"Yer kidding....It's a raccoon...."

"I don't care..It IS one of God's little creatures...We should say something......"

I stood there looking at Sue...Looking at the plastic bag......

"I hope the neighbours can't see us. I feel stupid!"

"Is that all you can say? I want you to say something....And say something NICE!"

I thought.....And thought some more, as the mosquitoes buzzed about....

"OK..Got it."

"Alright," says Sue..."Go ahead..."

"DEAR GOD:

TAKE THIS RACCOON...HE GOT HIMSELF CRUNCHED,

NOW I CAN GO HOME AND FINISH MY LUNCH....

AMEN..."

Sue stared at me...THAT stare......

"I don't believe what I just heard....."

"I thought it was good...Anyway, the raccoon doesn't care.....Can I fill in the hole now?"

"You might as well..."

So, I finished the burial detail and Sue put a little marker on the grave.......And some wild flowers...

As we walked home I put my arm around Sue...

"Really, Sue, that was a very nice thing you did."

"Thanks, I feel better now."

"Gee,'' I said, " If you make a big fuss about a raccoon, I can imagine what you will do when..You know..When I make that exit we all make."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that."

"Why not?"

"You're being cremated."

2. Posted by Purdy (Travel Guru 3546 posts) 8y

LOL!!!

Obviously Beerman and Isadora were driving past your place - the Raccoon is not their friend!!

3. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 8y

Priceless! Especially these:

Quoting chayisun

"Well, first, I would look both ways before I crossed the road and second..."

...

"Hey, I said, "Maybe we should call 911...Report a hit and run."

...

"DEAR GOD:

TAKE THIS RACCOON...HE GOT HIMSELF CRUNCHED,

NOW I CAN GO HOME AND FINISH MY LUNCH....

AMEN..."

4. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

I'm surprised your wife didn't cook you up some raccoon stew...

5. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting Purdy

LOL!!!

Obviously Beerman and Isadora were driving past your place - the Raccoon is not their friend!!

Now Purdy, don't go spreading any terrible rumors about us. It's simply not true. The above-mentioned-crunched-before-lunch-now-pushing-up-daisies raccoon is our friend because... Well... It's pushing up daisies. That, and it lived at someone else's house. Unfortunately, ours don't get crunched-before-lunch-in-the-middle-of-the-road because the pickins are too good here. They never have to leave the comfort of our back yard, barn, ex-milkhouse, shed, ex-doghouse or crawl space under the deck. As I type, the parade of scurrying furry little bandits has begun - searching out their favorite meal - dry cat food. Oh look! How cute! Now, where did I put Beerman's Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time? I've got me some dad-gum varmits who need some schoolin' in manners.

"Hi Honey!"

"Hi Dear!"

"I see you took the Red Ryder out for a spin this morning."

"Yup! That I did."

"Any luck?"

"Yup, got 2 in the foot and 4 in the ass."

"Wow, you're aim is getting better, only 2 feet this time."

"Yup, and when I ran out of BBs, I started throwing sticks at them. They hate sticks."

"Did they run?"

"Nope, just stood there staring at me. But, I made my point - don't mess with Isa!"

"Good girl! So, what's for dinner?"

"Rack o' coon. Hungry?"

6. Posted by Pardus (Respected Member 2356 posts) 8y

Quoting Isadora

[Beerman's Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time?

You're gonna get an eye out!!!!

7. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting Pardus

Quoting Isadora

[Beerman's Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time?

You're gonna get an eye out!!!!

Didn't put an eye out and I did better today...

I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred guernsey cow.

8. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

Quoting Isadora

Quoting Pardus

Quoting Isadora

[Beerman's Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time?

You're gonna get an eye out!!!!

Didn't put an eye out and I did better today...

I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred guernsey cow.

Good thing you're not in India. You would have had a fine for that cow.

9. Posted by Pardus (Respected Member 2356 posts) 8y

Quoting Isadora

Quoting Pardus

Quoting Isadora

[Beerman's Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time?

You're gonna get an eye out!!!!

Didn't put an eye out and I did better today...

I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred guernsey cow.

Hey, cows are out of season!!!! And one of the hunters wasn't ensured!!!