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TEACHING SUE HOW TO GOLF

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1. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

My Wife, Sue, decided that she wanted to become a golfer...To accompany me to the golf course and find out just what is so special about this game

"But," I said, " you've never even hit a golf ball. I mean it takes years to get as good as I am and..."

"You don't want me to play."

"I never said that....Hey, wait a minute....Is this the old guilt trip thing?"

"Of course not! I just want to spend more time with you and I thought it would be fun...And, you being so good at golf, you could teach me how to play."

"Well, since you put it that way...."

The next morning we threw the golf clubs Sue had borrowed from our daughter, into our truck and away we went, heading for the local golf course.

When we arrived and picked up the scorecard, Jim, the clubhouse attendant, suggested that we go to the nine hole course, which, as luck would have it, was empty at that time of the morning and, besides, there was the threat of rain.

So, off we go to the first tee.

"Alright, Sue...Do you notice the Pink blocks over there? Well, that's where the women tee off . The men tee off where the blue blocks are located."

"Why."

"Well, it's because men hit the ball further then the women so the tee for the ladies was placed there so it was......."

"I want to hit the ball from where you will be."

"Yea, but..."

I want to hit the ball from where the blue blocks are..."

So, I put the tee into the ground...Blue blocks....And put the ball on the tee.

"Ok, " I said, "You drive first."

"Which stick will I use?"

"The're not called sticks, the're called clubs....And you will use the driver...That's the one with the big head.....And don't go there."

Sue picked out the driver and approached the tee.

"OK, Now," I said, "Keep your head down, look at the ball, keep your right arm straight, make sure the ball is....."

"What?"

"I said keep your head down, look at the ball......"

"You're kidding. All I want to do is hit the ball."

"Well, if you don't do as I tell you chances are you will probably swing at the ball and miss it or, if by chance you do hit it, you'll probably put it into the trees and shrubs over there on the right of the fairway.."

"I'll take my chances."

"OK. Well, stand over the ball and address it."

"You're kidding."

"When you first approach the ball it's called addressing the ball...So, address the ball."

Sue stood over the ball. Sue addressed the ball....

"Hello, ball...this seems stupid!"

"Sue, you don't actually speak to the ball.....Oh, never mind...Hit the ball."

Sue once again approached the ball. With a might swing , she clubbed the ball and off it took. It travelled no more then 2 feet off the ground, in a straight line heading for the distant flag. When it did come down the ball bounced about five times and rolled...And rolled....To within 10 yards of the pin.

"Hey," She said, " That was not bad.That was good, huh?"

"Well," I said, " It was OK but you didn't get any height on the ball. Ya see, if you get it higher it will travel further. I'll show you how it's done."

With that I placed the ball on the tee and prepared to swing.

"Just watch, my dear Wife, and learn."

I would show her just how it is done....I was pumped.....

With a mighty swing the ball took off going higher and higher....And curving and curving....Until it disappeared into the trees and brush off to the right of the fairway.

"Guess that's not good, huh?" says Sue.

"I don't understand it. Must have been the wind."

"Maybe you didn't address the ball."

"Let's go."

Off we went, Sue heading straight up the fairway to where her ball lay while I headed into the trees..And brush..To locate my ball.

It was dark and damp and I couldn't find the ball. I poked about, the mosquitos enjoying my company.....I kept looking.

"What in the world is taking you so long?" Sue had walked back down the fairway to find out what I was up to.....

"Can't find the ball."

"Well, use another one."

"Gotta find the one I hit. It's the rules.....wait a minute I got it."

I came out of the bush, ball in hand, and followed Sue back up the fairway to where her ball lay.

Sue looked at me and said, "Where are YOU going?"

"I was going to place the ball with you and...."

" I believe that you must play the ball from the spot where it went into the woods and, I also believe, there is a one stroke penalty."

'What?"

"I said, you gotta play the ball..."

"I heard you...Where did you get THAT information?"

"Watched the golf channel."

"Oh."

When I returned to the spot as mentioned, I got out my five iron and hit the ball to the green....and about 35 feet over the green.....

I walked up to where Sue was waiting....

"You kinda hit that ball a bit too hard, I reckon," she said.

"Never mind.....Use your number nine iron to get onto the green."

With that Sue dug a tee out of the pocket of the golf bag and placed it firmly into the ground.

"Wait a minute," I said, "You can't use a tee on the fairway. It's just not done."

"Why?"

"Well...Well..Well..It's the rules..It's not done.."

"You're no fun....But, OK, if I can't I can't. What stick did you say I should use?"

"The're clubs.....Use the nine iron."

Sue reached into her bag and brought out the putter.

"The putter? Your kidding! You'll never reach the....."

With a swing worthy of John Daly, Sue hit the ball with the putter. The ball went bouncing across the grass and continued to bounce and onto the green about six feet from the hole.

"I don't believe it......I took lessons......Lessons......And you used a putter.....I don't believe it..."

''That wasn't too bad, huh. I don't know but all those stories you told me about how difficult it is to play golf......"

I trudged up to where the my ball lay and surveyed the situation. 35 feet slightly downhill to the green.......I asked Sue to remove the flag from the hole.

"Why do I have to take the flag out of the hole?"

"Because, if I happen to put the ball onto the green and it rolls toward the cup I want to be sure the ball won't hit the flagpole and NOT go in the hole."

"Well, in my opinion, there is NO way you'll sink the shot from WAY over there. I mean, you're, what, 35 feet off the green and there's, like, another 20 feet to the cup...that's what it's called..not the hole...And then it's downhill from the..."

"Yea, well, there's always a chance....Wait a Minute! The Cup? Downhill?"

"Golf Channel."

"Oh."

I prepared for my shot. I glanced at the distance to the hole, looked at the ball, checked the distance and prepared to swing....this to win the United States Open.......steady.....

"Doug."

"What!"

It's starting to rain..Hurry up."

"Sue, you DO NOT talk when someone is getting ready to swing."

"Well, hurry up."

Once again I prepared.....Back went the club and as I hit the ball...

A huge clap of thunder, lightning sparkled across the sky...It began to pour.....

" I don't like this!! I want to go home! I'm getting soaked! Maybe catch pneumonia..."

"OK," Said Sue," Let's go but next time don't complain so much."

2. Posted by Hien (Moderator 3906 posts) 8y

3. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 8y

Oh my God.......we have to meet you two.......I'm just.....just........no, not speechless, I'm never speechless, but........stunned and amazed....maybe that's it....just....wow.

You have a gift Doug, a true gift.

That reminds me of a time (see, not speechless) last year at our annual Master Brewers Meeting and Golf Outing....yes, you can imagine we do drink just a bit, and we even have a Trophy of Shame emblazoned with beer labels (conveniently, the brand I make) that goes to the most noteworthy golfer of the day. No, I didn't win, but we go again in September, and I'm hoping to bring that puppy home with me this year. OK, that's not the story....

We were playing best ball foursomes, and Isa and I were with my maltster and his wife (yes, they're called "maltsters"). Being an especially good maltster, he brought the beer. We were on a 550 yard par five dogleg to the right. The tee offered a wonderful vista into the fairway valley and some particularly stunning woods, but not the green. The woods were thick down the right side (you might guess where this is going...). Maltster teed off, a gorgeous 275 yard drive right into the valley, straight down the fairway. Mrs. Maltster teed off, another gorgeous drive, 250 yards straight down the fairway (the ladies tees were 10 yards ahead of the mens...go figure). I strode onto the tee box, delicately grasping my Calloway Big Bertha Driver-of-Doom. I looked up, surveyed the monstrous valley below, looked skyward to the Gods of Golf, mumbled a brief prayer for luck, teed up my ball, and took a mighty swing. WHACK......the ball sailed smoothly and gracefully into the air and right down the fairway....best drive of the day, and I was beaming.

Isa grabs her driver, flip-flops up to the tee (yes, no spikes for this professional), plants a nice red tee into the verdant grass, gingerly sets the ball on the tee, and takes a huge swing, albeit not showing Anika Sorenstams' graceful form. The ball crashed off the driver head with a thunderous POP...........and headed straight for the woods on the right. Now remember, this is a dogleg right, and the woods ran from 150 yards out to about 250 yards out. The 3 of us bystanders groaned in unison, confident that the ball would take up residence in a robins nest, or become a plaything for the resident squirrels. We watched with deepening concern, as the ball missed tree after tree on it's flight of fancy. Suddenly, and without warning, the ball landed on the cart path, which had been conveniently placed in exactly the right spot for the flight of Isa's ball. It bounced once, twice, three times, and wound up on the fairway past the trees and a good 120 yards ahead of all of us. This particular hole also happened to be a "long drive hole", and as we sped our carts in excitement up to the spot where Isa's ball lay, we found a little sign with a pad on it (for writing down the name of the Bomber-Who-Hit-The-Long-Drive). We picked up the sign (which was marked at 250 yards from the tee) and paced off the rest of the distance to Isa's ball. 277 yards. AND, easily 120 yards further up the fairway from the 3 of us hackers. She had successfully done what no other manly golfer managed to do that day........hit the cart path for an additional 100 yards of roll!!!!!!!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Maltster were on the green in 3 and 2 putted us in for par, while I managed to lose one ball in the woods and couldn't quite get to the green on my own. I must confess, I believe to this day I was blinded by the chorus of angels that broke out during the flight of that drive. I couldn't sink a putt to save my life after that. So I did what any self-respecting proud husband would do........I opened a beer for my wife, then drank two for myself!!!!

Later in the evening, during the congratulatory round of beers, it was announced that a 54 year old woman had out-driven every burly beer drinking man that day. And what did she earn for that hard earned shot, that thing of beauty, that je ne sais quoi, that event that broke open the heavens and loosed that slightly out of tune chorus of angels? A bag of the best malted milk balls ever produced on the face of the planet. Double dipped chocolate, seductively melting in the mouth, while the taste buds eagerly await the sweet, earthy malt flavor lurking below. And of course, a handsome round of applause from the humiliated burly beer drinking men-folk.

No really, those are the best malted milk balls on the planet. Mr. Maltsters' company makes them.

OK, so we wound up with 6 bags of the damn things, but they really are good. We still have a few bags left, so if anyone wants to come down and play a round, I'll bring the beer, and Isa will bring the balls......so to speak

4. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting beerman

And what did she earn for that hard earned shot, that thing of beauty, that je ne sais quoi, that event that broke open the heavens and loosed that slightly out of tune chorus of angels? A bag of the best malted milk balls ever produced on the face of the planet. Double dipped chocolate, seductively melting in the mouth, while the taste buds eagerly await the sweet, earthy malt flavor lurking below. And of course, a handsome round of applause from the humiliated burly beer drinking men-folk.

Yes, indeed, I did win the bag of malted milk balls. But, I also won the backpack emblazoned with the maltster's company log, the emblazoned t-shirt, the emblazoned baseball cap, the emblazoned pens, the emblazoned fridge magnet clips and I know there was something else in that backpack but have lost that particular brain cell retaining that particular memory of that particular item. Most of the burly beer-guzzling men looked at me and simply said "Cart path?". I just stood there and smiled.

Oh, and I normally play golf barefoot. That is, once I'm out of eye-shot of the clubhouse and anyone who would tell me I can't do that. Though, I do put my flip-flops back on for those several occasions I have to trudge through the poison ivy to find my ball - finding someone else's instead (and usually a number of additional ones to boot). I also play with Beerman's clubs so the Calloway Big Bertha Driver-of-Doom likes me better than it likes him. This year, I'm going for longest drive, closest to the pin and the hole-in-one trophies. I'm sure the prizes will all be emblazoned with assorted logos. I can't wait to be a walking billboard for everything beer-related. It's my goal in life. No, really, my goal. Right up there with a lobotomy. Who knows, I might play better golf after the lobotomy...

Honestly, I have learned a valuable lesson over time. Don't wait 30 years between taking golf lessons and actually deciding you want to play the game. Also, don't wait 3-4 years between rounds of golf. It doesn't help, it only makes matters worse. Basically, it's harder to crawl through the underbrush of the ravines to find your balls - or someone else's...

5. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

Well, you guys are a hoot! Great story and I know how ya feel, Beerman....

Never been in a golf tournament, though our neighbours are golfers and that's about all they do...Well, in the summer. They hibernate all winter and sleep with their golf clubs.

As to the "the backpack emblazoned with the maltster's company log, the emblazoned t-shirt, the emblazoned baseball cap, the emblazoned pens, the emblazoned fridge magnet clips"....Nice to win. Geez, but wearing flip flops? I mean, ya CAN'T do that.....It ain't followin' the rules....By the way, did ya call out FORE....Took me about 5 minutes to explain that to Sue....

However, Beerman, you DID get some malted milk balls....AND Isadora sure showed you guys up, huh...I know how ya feel. I mean, I had lessons....

Well, good luck in September. Will you guys be playing golf before or after the lobotomy?

Anyway, Thanks for the kind words. Sue and I do have a lot of fun, indeed, as you guys do.

6. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

AHA!! Flip-flops may not be followin' the rules, but I have yet to find a rule that says I can't play barefoot (once out of eye-shot of said clubhouse and other self-appointed "Rulers of the Course" type people). Those who try to complain are allowed to play through so I don't have to listen to them. After all, I am the "Queen of Long Drives". I'm also the "Queen of 20 Yard Tee Shots". (I do understand the contradictory nature of those 2 statements. Heeheehee!) Mostly, I really pride myself in my ability to play "Island Golf". Okay, it's a form of golf I invented but I'm excellent at it. In my game of golf, the person with the highest score at the end of the round wins. It proves they've been educated enough to count in to the 3 digit number range. Two digit numbers are for wimps and burly-beer drinking guys. Oh, and yes, I did yell "FORE" but more for the benefit of the robins and squirrels. (See, 3 years of lessons paid off.) The burly beer-drinking guys are on their own with the "duck and cover" thing. Maybe I'll skip the lobotomy this time around and just try drinking lots of beer instead. Don't want to rush into anything rash.

7. Posted by Peter (Admin 5807 posts) 8y

Well, I'm not much of a golfer. I'd definitely be choosing the wrong 'stick' and hitting that ball straight into the forest ;) But those stories are both hilarious.

Gretchen, I had no idea you had such a talent in golf!

8. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting Peter

Well, I'm not much of a golfer. I'd definitely be choosing the wrong 'stick' and hitting that ball straight into the forest ;) But those stories are both hilarious.

Gretchen, I had no idea you had such a talent in golf!

Oh, it's just one of my many talents. Care for a round of Island Golf? You bring the beer, I'll drive the cart. I'm really good at that too - it's my favorite part of the game. With my golf skills, I get to drive around the whole course! None of this driving in a straight line for me! (Mainly because my ball won't be there. It's in rough or the opposing fairway or the ravine or the pond or the sand trap or the robin's nest. Boy, will she be surprised when that "egg" doesn't ever hatch. Poor thing.)

9. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

Island Golf? The one with the HIGHEST score wins? Holy smokes, you'd be out there all day TRYING to make bad shots..On purpose.

We do that without trying to make bad shots. It just comes naturally.

A friend and I went golfing one day and I wanted to borrowed Sue's brand new PINK golf balls..So they would be easy to find when I ended up in the "forest"..Which was a given.

"Sue, before I go golfing, can I borrow those new golf balls you bought?"

"The pink ones?"

"Yea."

"Doug, there kinda girly. "

"I know but they'll be easy to find if I happen to go sorta off course.''

"I don't know. I mean, you lose so many when you go golfing."

"Do not."

"Yes you do. Last time, when WE went golfing, how many did you lose.."

"Not many.."

"How about a dozen."

"That many?"

"Yep...And most of those went where..."

"I can't help it if the lake was in the way."

'It wasn't a lake. It was a pond."

"Well, it LOOKED like a lake."

"Doug, after you put the first NINE balls into the pond.."

"Lake.."

Yea...Anyway, Did I suggest you hit AROUND the pond rather then try to hit OVER the pond?"

"Well, yea but the challenge was to hit OVER the lake.."

"Pond.."

"I EVENTUALLY got over the lake!"

"Right. Doug, You THREW the ball over."

"You saw me do that, huh..."

"Yea, and, according to the golf channel, that's not allowed. However, I'm glad you did."

"You were?"

"Yea. I wanted to finish the round and get home before dark."

10. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting chayisun

Island Golf? The one with the HIGHEST score wins? Holy smokes, you'd be out there all day TRYING to make bad shots..On purpose.

We do that without trying to make bad shots. It just comes naturally.

No, no, no!!! In Island Golf, you don't get to make bad shots on purpose, you just play. (Did I forget to mention that little detail? Sorry.) See, there's the beauty of the whole thing. You play a regular round of golf without trying to rack up shots and it guarantees I always win. Ya gotta love it!!!

You might want to tell Sue that the Golf Channel lies. Nowhere in the rule book have I read where throwing the ball over the lake is not allowed. I do it all the time. Well, maybe not when playing with Mr. & Mrs. Maltster, but their the exception. In Island Golf, throwing across the lake is a perfectly acceptable way around a nasty little (relative term) water hazard. They shouldn't be allowed to put lakes in the middle of golf courses. If I wanted to go swimming, I would go to the lake nearest my home (which is not in the middle of a golf course, of course). When I want to play golf, I don't want to be distracted by a bit of liquid fairway that calls out my name - beckoning me to hit the ball into it's cool, blue (maybe brown or green) waters and then entices me to dive in after it. It's not fair. That's combining two sports into one.

As for the pink balls... In my ravine and pond diving expeditions, to recover my own little (white) round led astray object, I have collected a vast variety of brightly colored ones. I think I have the prettiest set of golf balls on the course. They love me. I take them home and give them names. Once they were lost, but now they are found so I have a hard time whacking them back into obscurity. I take them along but they prefer to be spectators rather than participants. I understand that.