We are off on a cruise. Not just any cruise but we are going to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
Crossing the Atlantic in style is a far cry from what my ancestors had to do.
I've been told they crossed on some rickety old coal burning tramp steamer.
They didn't have a cabin, they slept on the deck, swamped periodically, by sea water....And no room service.
However, they made it and now I shall be following them, well, in reverse. I do feel a bit guilty, having a cabin with a balcony, 24 hour room service and food, everywhere. Well, not THAT guilty.
Anyway, as for the cruise, I hope we don't meet up with any problems, like pirates.
Pirates have been know to attack cruise ships and board them. So I will be on the lookout for any signs of pirates. Yep, I will watch for them from my balcony, in my lounge chair, a glass of milk in one hand ( No alcohol, I want to have a clear mind and clear eyes watching for pirates ) And my arm around my best gal, Sue, singing.."I'm a Lumberjack"....
I was told the other day that there is a possibility that we might have a problem with huge waves. I didn't know that there would be Navy personnel on board. I hope I beat them to the buffet line......
Yes, we are looking forward to this cruise. Well, most of it. Sue has told me we are going to go dancing....I hate dancing. I'd rather eat. Actually, I'd rather go to the dentist.
I am trying to figure out how to get out of the dancing thing. I'm thinking that maybe I'll sprain my ankle while carrying my food tray from the buffet.
Also, I can only hope that the cruise ship band gets kidnapped by those pirates. And, if they don't, then I hope I get kidnapped by those pirates.....
One thing about cruising, you meet people, some really strange people. On our last cruise, we met some folks from Mississippi who had never been on a ship before....Canoes don't count.
They spent most of the cruise trying to figure out how fast they were walking when they were walking in the same direction as the ship. Kept comparing the ship to their 4 wheel truck...I never asked why.....We ended up trying to hide from them.
Another couple kept their lifejackets on and checking the lifeboats. They told us they saw the movie "Titanic" and wanted to be prepared. We hid from them, too.
Another couple were afraid of U-Boats. U-Boats. From the second world war. Thought it might be possible that there could be ghost U-Boats out there.....They also wanted to get everyone to-gether and have a seance, one night. We hid from them.
One morning I was out on the track, jogging along, minding my own business, when this lady joined me as I ran along.
She said hello and I asked her how she was......Apparently, she just lost her husband, he ran away with his secretary, this was good because she sold the house, bought a new car, bought a new condo and was on the cruise, had gout, her back was sore......I hid from her, too.
This time we plan on keeping a low profile. If I can only convince Sue that a low profile means no dancing.....
PIRATES???? WHERE???? YAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Perfectly sound idea to sit on the balcony and watch for pirates......however, milk is definitely NOT the choice of beverage. I suggest a hearty ration of rum....pirates like rum, and they will likely just steal your ration and leave you in peace. And pirates only dance after consuming copious quantities of said rations....it's not pretty, but if you're that drunk, who cares?
Pirates also dislike hearing stories of peoples' maladies....reminds them too much of that eye patch and peg leg. I've heard stories of pirates on cruise ships that slaughter an entire 5:00 pm seating at dinner just because one person started talking about gall stones. Not pretty. You're in luck though........you can regale them with stories of dead raccoons!!
As to the U-Boats......that's an easy one.......tell the complainer that U-Boats have indeed been seen in the North Atlantic as recently as 1945, so they really need to stay in their rooms "just in case".
Oh, and if you do have any huge waves, do not, under any circumstances, give them any of your rum. They'll just start rambling on about the good old days in the South Pacific and asking if you know Robert Conrad and the rest of the Black Sheep Squadron!!!! That, and telling you about their gall stones....
Watch out for icebergs. Remember what happened to Leo diCaprio and Kate Winslet?
It's not so much icebergs as the iceberg lettuce in the buffet's that you really need to watch out for. Dangerous stuff.
I don't like rum. Rum makes me think I'm Fred Astaire and this is NOT good.
Particularly when I think Sue is Ginger Rogers.
Last time we were on a cruise we attended the show in the small lounge..Held some 100 people..And, one of the acts was a magician. I ordered a rum and coke...
This is a warning..If you EVER go on a cruise, do NOT sit in the front row of ANY show...
Anyway, the magician, the Great Randle, picked Sue out of the crowd...We were in the front row...DO NOT SIT IN THE FRONT ROW...And put her in his act.
The assistant, Magnificent Millie, who was, well, magnificent, helped put Sue on a board with chairs at both ends of the board....So far, so good.
With great fanfare and a drum roll, the Great Randle removed the chair at the end of the board....THEN removed the board, leaving Sue being held up by one chair, vertically, with no support, other than the one chair at her head.....Applause....Sue returns to table...Would NOT tell me how it was done...I immediately ordered another rum and coke...
The show continues and I have another rum and coke....I am beginning to feel GOOOOD....The music plays and the band leader brings out Magnificent Millie....She says she is going to pick out someone to dance with....Who would like to volunteer?
Lots of guys wave their hands...After all, Millie IS magnificent.....really.....I, on the other hand, have fallen in love with my rum and coke....
Anyway, I see, standing at our table, who else but Millie....She taps me on the shoulder, grabs my hand and I'm on the stage.....Wishing it were, in fact, the stage to take me outta here....
Millie whispers in my ear...We are going to dance....WHAT???...We are going to dance like Fred and Ginger.....WHAT????
Music starts and away we go.....Around the dance floor....Heck, I WAS Fred!
AND..Millie was beginning to look like Ginger....Rum and cokes will do that to you....It was FUN!!! I was GOOD!!! Music ends and applause, I get a peck on the cheek from Millie...and a hug...She WAS magnificent...And my time in the limelight was done.
When I got back to the table....
"Well,'' Says Sue, " I Didn't know you could dance like that. To-morrow night we can go dancing."
"No we can't."
"If I have to dance, I need LOTS of rum and coke...I'll become a rum-bum......Hey, Sue..."
"Did you know you look a lot like Ginger Rogers?"
"No I'm not..I'm Fred Astaire....Wanna dance?"
I don't remember much else..Well, other than the headache the next morning....Think I'll stick to my usual Pepsi-Cola....
Rule #1 - never order rum and COKE. You can never trust the quality on cruise ships and you're better off with just drinking the rum. Mind you, I'm not speaking from experience as I have never been on a cruise ship nor do I dance. At all. Well, not in public. Besides, the pirates will have your rum gone before you can even think about getting out on the dance floor. They'll probably dance with Sue - leaving you to relax with a Pepsi. I do recommend taking notes just in case Sue wants you to dance once the pirates have moved on to that cruise ship who's lights you can just barely make out in the distance. The one heading back to home port while you are trying to avoid the next week's worth of salsas, two-steps, waltzes and jitterbugs.
I can say, with sufficient confidence, that the front row of almost any lounge act is not where anyone really wants to be... Maybe I can blame this one on rum and coke as I had just turned 21 and was able to drink in a dinner club's lounge. This was not the "sneak in on a fake ID beer joint" I had come to accustomed to, but a real "dress up and show the real driver's license" kind of place. Being the first ones to arrive in the lounge after dinner, we were seated at the front center table. MISTAKE!!! My best friend, who was there with me, had bragged about this great group so here was my chance to see them. (Honestly, think The Letterman or Classics IV.) Great table, nice view of the stage (couldn't miss it - 5 feet in front of my face) and he was buying. After the first set, we moved to the back of the lounge - didn't make any difference. I was dragged onstage, danced with, sung to, sat on, carried around, and told (at the end) I was the "best sport" they had ever had in their audience. I took that to mean most everyone else would leave after the first 30 minutes of humiliation. I had no choice but to stay - I didn't have the car keys, we were out in the "sticks" with no cab service, I was drinking rum & coke legally, I was drinking a lot of rum and coke legally, and the group bought a steak dinner for me after the show - my two male companions had to fend for themselves. (Granted, we'd had dinner at 6:30 but a second dinner after all that dancing and being their patsy was nice.) I learned my lesson. I now drink rum straight up and never sit in the front row/table anywhere. Except at home. Where I dance. Alone. With Beerman.