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United States Plan to Invade Canada

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1. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

The UNITED STATES planned to invade CANADA and it was called " Joint Army and Navy Basic War Plan..."

Invading Canada won't be like invading Iraq: When the United States invades Canada, nobody will be able to grumble that the U.S. didn't have a plan.

The United States government does have a plan to invade Canada. It's a 94-page document called "Joint Army and Navy Basic War Plan -- Red," with the word SECRET stamped on the cover. It's a bold plan, a bodacious plan, a step-by-step plan to invade, seize and annex the neighbor to the north. It goes like this:

First, send 2,000 troops across the Peace Bridge in Niagara Falls and secure the electric power plants.

Send a joint Army-Navy overseas force to capture the port city of Halifax, cutting the Canadians off from their British allies.

Then the U.S. Army invades on three fronts -- marching from Vermont to take Montreal and Quebec, charging out of North Dakota to grab the railroad center at Winnipeg, and storming out of the Midwest to capture the strategic nickel mines of Ontario.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy seizes the Great Lakes and blockades Canada's Atlantic and Pacific ports.

At that point, it's only a matter of time before the Americans bring these Labatt-swigging, maple-mongering Zamboni drivers to their knees! Or, as the official planners wrote, stating their objective in bold capital letters: "ULTIMATELY TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL."

Behind Its Warm Front, the United States Made Cold Calculations to Subdue Canada.

However, first they gotta get OVER the border......Heh, Heh,Heh.....

As 2,000 United States Army troops cross the Peace Bridge in Niagara Falls and getting ready to enter Canada.....they have to get past immigation.......

"Good morning.....welcome to Canada..Do you have anything to declare?"

"Well, son, as you can no doubt see, I am leading the AMERICAN ARMY into CANADA. See all those troops behind me?"

"Say, there are a lot......Are you bringing in any liqour or meat products ?"

"We are bringing into CANADA the UNITED STATES ARMY...Ya hear ?"

"Fine...But first, may I see your passport? Also, I need to see everyone's passport before you are allowed into Canada. "

"Son, listen to me and listen good...You are interfering with the UNITED STATES ARMY!!!! So you better..."

"Oh Oh. Gee, I see you have weapons. You aren't allowed to bring firearms into Canada..That's a BIG no no."

"WHAT??? This is THE UNITED STATES ARMY...YOU CAN'T STOP THE UNITED STATES ARMY...WE ARE...AMERICANS!!!"

"Gee, I'm really sorry but you'll have to check your firearms at the border before you can proceed into Canada...I'm afraid that's the rule..No guns. You can pick the weapons up on your way back to the United States, but, may I please see your passports?"

"NOW, HOLD ON..."

"Could you get your soldiers to line up so I can check each soldier's passport? That would really be helpful.."

"Ya got a phone?"

"Well, you'll have to go to that office over there.."

"Ok.."

"Wait a minute....You can't use the phone until I see your passport. See, you can't cross the border without showing me that passport...I'm really sorry but rules are rules.."

''LISTEN....WE CAME HERE TO INVADE...WE DID NOT BRING PASSPORTS!"

"Well, no passports...No entry....Really sorry about that...."

"BUT...BUT...BUT..."

"Well, you'll just have to go back to wherever you came from and get your passports. Now, would you mind leaving, it's lunch time."

And so the invasion was stopped. I mean, if the Americans insist on seeing OUR passports then......

2. Posted by magykal1 (Travel Guru 2026 posts) 8y

I'm planning on invading Canada. I'll annex it to Beeristan.

3. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 8y

Quoting magykal1

I'm planning on invading Canada. I'll annex it to Beeristan.

Yes of course, Minister Rob, but we make attack in peaceful Beeristan way, yes? We make mock of Labatt and Molson.....is most powerful weapon in arsenal and will test patience of Canadianskis past breaking point. They attack us with sticks of hockey (not baseball bats....we all know they can't play baseball), we defend peaceful beer-making citizens of New Beeristan using only mock and huge supply of tequila purchased just recently from neighbors to south. Canadians make notorious for not being able to handle tequila. They drink, pass out, then we take their passports so we get in to their country anytime we are make want. Perhaps we tie all their shoelaces together as humiliation. Is brilliant, no? They will be helpless against superior niceness and liquor holding skills.

4. Posted by chayisun (Budding Member 163 posts) 8y

You plan on invading Canada? Well, please be sure to bring your passport and remember we welcome ALL foreigners...Well, not those from Beeristan. We DO have standards, after all.

As for the tequila, if you plan on bringing that into Canada please be sure to arrive with no more than 16 ounces as we charged $300.00 in loonies per ounce over the 16 ounce limit.. AND please don't try to tell us that it is bottled water...We are not from Mississippi, after all.....

As for the rumour about the hockey sticks....We don't attack anyone..Well, other than the Swedes and the Ruskies and the Czechs, but that's all in fun.

So, please come to Canada. We will be glad to see you and remember, passports....

5. Posted by magykal1 (Travel Guru 2026 posts) 8y

Indeed, comrade Beerman, we can invade simply by presenting real beer and looking disdainfully at this 'Molson'. It will surely be a bloodless coup.

6. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

This just in!

Vermont troops have reportedly gone AWOL on masse in Montreal after discovering 3 a.m. closing hours, $10 lap dances, Schwartz' all-night smoked meat, and that iffy strip on St. Laurent and Ontario. Petitions have been circling to keep Quérmont a separate and independent nation. Rumours have it the national dish will be maple-syrup covered poutine. Molson breweries reports a sharp increase of sales, mostly due to a shortage of rubbing alcohol.

7. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Quoting tway

Vermont troops have reportedly gone AWOL on masse in Montreal after discovering 3 a.m. closing hours, $10 lap dances, Schwartz' all-night smoked meat, and that iffy strip on St. Laurent and Ontario.

Not a problem. With Vermont being the size of a postage stamp (ranked 45th out of 50), they only sent 5 personnel anyway. I don't think we'll be missing them and we know where to find them - Hurley's. (They called to say where we could meet them later.) Your bigger concern should be the the increased Molson sales as no self-respecting American or Beeristani soldier would touch the stuff. Okay, except to flood the sewers of Montreal with it causing the Canuckistani government to charge them (Molson, that is) horrendous fees for improper beer disposal. Then again, enough of it goes down Canuckistani drains as it is so they may not even notice.

As for the maple syrup covered poutine... Again, no self-respecting American or Beeristani soldier would order poutine. And, most of the upper northeastern US (Beeristan) is happily tapping their own maple trees at the moment. We don't need no stinkin' Canuckistani maple syrup. We have real maple syrup with cool names like Log Cabin so you know it's got to be good. Can't say I've ever heard of Igloo maple syrup... Most likely you've given it a French-Canuckinstani name and the French know nothing about maple syrup.

Last reported, the troops from Montana, Wyoming and Utah are on the move. You shall be sorry as the Utah Company consists mainly of bible-toting Mormons who breed like rabbits and will be of endless supply if needed. You can not win. They also have the largest genealogical database in the world. We know who all your great grandparents were and where to find them! Be afraid. Be very afraid!

8. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 8y

Just to get a grip on the rules of engagement... Do we get to use beaver bombs and moose missiles again or were they only available during the last Canuckistani-US conflict? (I'd have included Beeristan but it wasn't quite an almost country back then.)

9. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 8y

We have speakers at the border blaring Céline Dion day and night. You cannot win!!! We'll pelt you with empty Labatt cans and gravy-covered curd cheese!

10. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 8y

Quoting tway

We have speakers at the border blaring Céline Dion day and night. You cannot win!!! We'll pelt you with empty Labatt cans and gravy-covered curd cheese!

HA HA....foolish woman.....we LOVE cheese curds here (Wisconsin....duh?). And the empty Labatt cans......please to no make litter in New Beeristan, though we are to make extra pocket change by recycling those cans.

Now, the music is no allowed. Celine Dion was make banned by Geneva Convention, Amendment 12, Article 9, Subchapter 16 of 2005. It is just going to show the peaceloving citizens of New Beeristan how evil and dangerous Canuckistanis can be. You and Chayisun-person will be made to clean toilets with GWB if you are make to violate basic human rights. Or, you will be made personal babysitter to Sarah Palinista and have to listen to "hockey mom/pit bull-in-lipstick rhetoric all day. And live in New Alaskastan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA.

As countermeasure to violations made by dangerous northern-peoples, Citizens of New Beeristan will be allowed to poke holes in all dragon boats cruising the St. Larry River, continue mock using word "eh" after every sentence, refer to hockey as "not-really-a-sport", recycle all bad beer cans, and set up HUGE speaker system pointed north to continuously play Los Lobos' song of Freedom and Happy "La Pistola Y El Corazon" at very high volume. You will surrender to the melancholy in very short order. Admit defeat, and treatment will be good.