Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the sea.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer
Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway
Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Busted concert.
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog
Q: What's the difference between bogies and brussel sprouts?
A: Kids won't eat brussel sprouts
[ Edit: sorry, although funny, these are a little too rude.. ]