Skip Navigation

Adopted Children

Travel Forums Off Topic Adopted Children

Page

Last Post

21. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Looking forward to hearing from you in 2 weeks. Enjoy your trip home and when necessary - let it all flow over you like water and warm chocolate.

22. Posted by MattXIII (Full Member 272 posts) 11y

If i start thinking about warm choclate i'll end up standing there like homer simpson drooling, mmmmmmmm warm chocolate. rrrrgghhhh (or whatever the spelling is for that noise he makes )

23. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Warm chocolate goooood... Drooling, well - could cause some stares on the street.

24. Posted by Wocca (Inactive 3745 posts) 11y

Ever heard of the schema "sense of abandonment" ?

25. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Yes - a core belief, making it almost impossible for one to engage in a "normal" interpersonal relation due to the deep-seated feelings of being abandoned and unworthy.

Following the theme of this thread, the abandonment schema does affect a significant number of adoptees/foster children. Though the symptoms of the disorder (as it were) may not surface until adolescence or adulthood, when romantic relationships become part of the equation.

Almost every adoptee I have met or worked with, has had some form of abandonment issues. At some stage in their life, the adoption begins to equate with being abandoned by the birth parent(s). In some cases, no amount of nurturing will elleviate the activation of the core belief. Others are able to justify the birth parent's actions, in one form or another, and dismiss the "feelings". (I worked with an organization called ALMA - which was a registry for adoptees and birth parents.)

Rationale would tell me that Matt's foster brother is in the midst of this type of turmoil and truly unable to help himself since he has not been given to tools to do so adequately. Anger is his primary outlet.

My brother is the same way, though he is 53 yrs old. Whether he can not or chooses not to, he is uwlling to let go of the abandonment scenario. He is well aware that through his adoption, he was given opportunities to make a wonderful life for himself and his family. Instead, he insists on blaming everything wrong in his world on his adoption and being abandoned. It just doesn't work that way.

26. Posted by MattXIII (Full Member 272 posts) 11y

Me bruv wasn't abandoned, i can't remember exactly, but i think his grandparents or social workers must have taken him away cos he only knows his mum, who wasn't capable of caring for him.

He'll be alright, i reckon not forming strong attachments is a good idea, i've never been stabbed in the back or anything like that but as ya get older you do start to wonder if it's a good idea to be completely independant.
I'm trying it out. My ex and me split after 3yrs due to about 50% of the fact that i can't handle having someone attached to me.
I reckon it can be a very useful pshycological tool.

27. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Hey Matt!

The abandonment schema is not really about whether someone was truly abandoned or not. It is a response to one's opinion that they were abandoned physically, psychologically or emotionally - not always based in reality.

Personally, I think your bruv (I love the UK abbreviations - sorry) will be fine. As you said, he's only 10 at this time. I didn't mean for it to sound like I was psychoanalysing him, just responding to Wocca's question and used your bruv (and mine) as possible examples.

As to being independent - I think it's a wonderful thing. I don't think you can give another person the complete you until you are satisfied you have done the same for yourself. On the other hand, having strong attachments to someone a good thing - as long as it isn't used a crutch. I have very strong attachments to particular people - family and friends - but I try not to use them to compensate for my own lackings. You need to know yourself as well as possible before you can expect someone else to do so. The younger someone is, the more in a rush to be committed - time is on your side - take it.

28. Posted by MattXIII (Full Member 272 posts) 11y

Noooo you silly bean i didn't mean it to sound like i was havin a go (another UK term ;) ).

I'm just gonna do lots of coursework and then have playtime with him. Playfighting etc. He's got no imagination either, very strange for someone like me to understand but he hasn't.
He's got tons of toys but dosen't know what to do with them.

I built a camp, (basically blankets hung from the ceiling/wardrobes etc to make a tent). I used to do that as a kid loads! But he told his social worker what we'd been up to and she told me i couldn't cos it may represent a bad memory of sumink bad that happened to him.

What the bloody hell can you do a? Ya try and get the old imagination flowing and getting him to have fun and be a kid and you get told to stop. It's bloody ridiculous!

29. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Me? A silly bean? NEVER! Oh, okay - you're on to me!

Ohhh! Blanket tents are the greatest! We called them forts and no one could enter without the password. We'd put blankets over the picnic table in the back yard and "camp". All the neighbor kids would end up in there over night. Parents always knew where to find them.

Sounds like it's more of a bad memory for the social worker than for your bruv!!! Maybe she/he needs to go for a little therapy! Stimulating the imagination is key in every part of life - from birth to death. Sheltering him that is not going to help him integrate with the real world. And just might be a safe way for him to express his feelings - thus letting go of s*** he doesn't need to carry inside. It's got to be frustrating for you and him alike. But, I digress.

Even at my age - if someone told me I couldn't be a kid anymore or use my imagination to play - I'd shrivel up and die. No, they'd get the boot!

Sorry to hear that the social worker is being such (insert a really bad word or words here).

30. Posted by MattXIII (Full Member 272 posts) 11y

She said something like being under blankets interprets being inbed with a grown man (you can guess the rest).

a) Me and grown man?? Pah!
b)Nothing "of that nature" has happened to him b4.

No wonder some kids stay messed up, they have to put up with dumb asses telling them what they can and can't do.

If it distresses them, you stop. If they're having fun then great, play away.

I swear his social workers gay anyway