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Everyone needs a giggle!

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11. Posted by s0f (Full Member 163 posts) 11y

Ok... this is depressing because this is the ONLY joke I know...

Q: Why do moths fly with their legs open?
A: Haven't you heard of moth balls?

12. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 11y

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

13. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 11y

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy

14. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y
  • The Tailgater*

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he coulhave beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station
where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened thedoor. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

15. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asks. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots, that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
" Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

16. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 11y

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed for strength to
cross the river and POOF he got big arms and strong legs and he was
to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed for strength and the tools
to cross the river, and POOF, he got a rowboat and strong arms and
strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost
capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third prayed for the
strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river, and POOF,
he turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up
stream and walked across the bridge.

17. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 11y

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high
testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him in the mouth, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now
or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

18. Posted by remarcable (Respected Member 335 posts) 11y

A women gets on a plane for a business trip. During the trip, the flight hits a unpredicted storm. Making the ride rather rough. Suddenly, the cabin lights flicker and the oxygen masks fall from above. The captain announced a bolt of lightning has hit the plane causing the plane to lose altitude. He told everyone to buckle up and prepare for an emergency landing.

Noticing they were over water, the woman and other passengers were extremely frantic. With a burst of emotion, the woman yells "Oh God, I am going too die!" " I am to young to die!"

As the plane decents downward, the woman screams again " I am going to die, and no man has made me feel like a " REAL" woman." "Is there a real man, that can make me feel like a real woman??!"

On cue, a very good looking man sitting in first class heard the women rants. In a suave manner, makes his way towards the woman. While doing so, he begins undoing his silk tie and throws it to the ground. Next, he starts unbuttoning his oxford shirt from top to bottom. The shirt falls to the waist side, revealing his undershirt. What seem like slow motion, he strips off his wrinkled undershirt. Showing his "buff" bod.

Standing about one foot from the nerve racked woman. He locks his warm brown eyes to her's, placing his hand on her tiny shoulder. With a coy smile, he says " I heard that no man has made you feel like a real woman?" Do you want to feel like a real women?"

The woman can only nod. Slowly, the man leans forward, bring his other arm around. In the same motion, he drops his shirt on her lap and pulls away. iron that!


19. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 11y

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a "mood ring" so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fecking red
mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a


Bitchy in Fort Myers

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