The TP Novel

Travel Forums Off Topic The TP Novel

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81. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

You must be psychic, Nikki! Tway and I were just discussing Antonio... Ooooohhhh, the plot just keeps thickening.....

(At least we know there are 2 people reading it - besides, Tway and us!) Where is Eve these days???? Is she as lost in the real world as she is here??

82. Posted by mtlgal (Full Member 1179 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

Quoting CupCake

The only way this tread could be more if you throw Jude Law in as Capt.CupCakes love slave/cook ;)
heheh, just a suggestion:)

Oh yeah! Please let Vixen Viv whip Jude Law and then lick his wounds! Either that or lick whipped cream off his body, I'm not picky.

83. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

Sex AND violence...this has all the makings of a block buster! ;)

84. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

... suddenly (yes, yes, suddenly)....

Jude pushes "pause", then sits back on the couch in a huff. Antonio looks at him, then points violently back at the TV.

"Turn that back ON!"

"But this is getting rediculous!" Jude says, pouting. "Drunken Isas, Wocca-beasts, Eve who's either lost or not lost, and somebody who can't keep the damn plot line straight!"

"You're too picky!"

"If we return the DVD now, we can rent Alfie again."

"For god's sake, Jude, you're impossible to live with!"

"You know, I would have made a good Viv-the-Vixen. Why didn't anybody ask me?"

"You don't look good in leather thongs. Trust me."

"Well, alright. But somebody better launch into song soon. And I keep waiting for the infamous durain to make an appearance. It says "special cameo by the durain" right here on the box."

"Will you PLEASE-"

"OK, OK, I'll hit play, you big baby."


85. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

While Jude walks into the kitchen to pop some popcorn, clad only in "tighty-whities", Antonio,clad only in leather chaps, breaks out his Spanish guitar and begins to sing a melody from his childhood...
(Insert movie music here) "Let's all go to the snack bar! Let's all go to the snack bar! Let's all go to the snack bar.... And, get ourselves some treats!"

Jude returns, takes his place on the couch and hits resume on the DVD clicker....

The scene opens on the rugged, craggy precipice at the top of the Evil volcano. Wisps of steam emanate from the fiery abyss. The serene peacefulness is punctuated by the sharp thud, thud, thud of Super Agent MattXIII of MI6 running at top speed down the mountain (ie: volcano).

Slowly, yet quite suddenly, a heavy stainless steel, bullet-proof, explosion-proof, fire-proof, radiation-proof, sheep-proof door creaks open... (Creeeaaaaakkk....). The bespeckled face of Dr. Greg, Evil Island's Mad Scientist/Consultant Extraordinaire, appears and shouts, "Drop the Vixen, lambchop! We have plans for her." Dolly (the sheep, remember?), stunned by the outburst, lets go of the Kenneth Cole thigh-high black leather stiletto boot heel and begins munching lazily on a nearby patch of magic mushrooms (her favorite). Viv the Vix, somewhat beaten and bloodied from having been dragged several thousand yards (600km), joins Dolly in lazily munching the magic mushrooms (also her favorite). Dr. Greg: "No, no, my dear Vixen, we have a far better treat for you inside our Evil volcanic lair." In an instant, Dr. Greg flings a burlap sack over a stunned/wasted Viv, bundles her up and retreats behind the aforementioned super door, narrowly avoiding the plunging visage of Super Agent MattXIII of MI6. MattXIII: "Damn! Had I only plunged a little faster, I would have saved the day!"

Back at the beach...
RO Brenda(n) peers upward, wiping sugar sand from his mouth. The bright sunshine is glinting off the barrel of Weapons Officer Daveh's 50-caliber machine cannon. WO Daveh: "Thought you could get away, eh, eh? (Get it? Canukistani humor...) Nobody flees from the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy and gets out of "pour-a-pint' duty! What do you have to say for yourself, you near-American, you?" "But, Sir, I don't drink alcoholic beverages anymore", replies
RO Brenda(n), "I'd much rather pour a nice, refreshing glass of wheatgrass tea with lemon." Taken aback by RO Brenda(n)'s rather anti-Canukistani position, WO Daveh retorts, "I suppose you don't like hockey either, do ya, eh?! Well, it really doesn't matter, eh, I've got you red-handed! You are coming back with me to face the goodly Captain Cupcake and your shipmates, eh. I would hate to be in your Canukistani boots right now, eh!" Cocking his 50-caliber machine cannon, WO Daveh grabs RO Brenda(n) by the nape of the neck and begins marching back toward the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy, which unfortunately has moved.

"Masters! Masters! Mad Moderator Hien here. Over. You have to get back to the secret Evil lair immediately! Over. Evil Dr. Greg has a hostage. Over." "MM Hien, Evil brother Pete and I are a bit busy at the moment. It seems that the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy has us in it's sights. Can you do something about that?"
RRrrrrriiiinnnnggg... "No! For Christ sake, take me off your damn calling list. If I want a new calling plan, I'll call you!"
MM Hien: "No problem, Master. I'll radio them that it's "Two for One Guinness Pint Happy Hour" on the other side of the island."
Moments later, the message having been received on the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy, the pride of the Canukistani underwater fleet slips beneath the completely calm waters in search of happy hour, leaving the Evil dinghy free to resume it's evil course.

Jude turns to Antonio and says, "Okay, this is getting better. Have some popcorn."

86. Posted by Rraven (Travel Guru 5924 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

Quoting isadora

You must be psychic, Nikki! Tway and I were just discussing Antonio... Ooooohhhh, the plot just keeps thickening.....

(At least we know there are 2 people reading it - besides, Tway and us!) Where is Eve these days???? Is she as lost in the real world as she is here??

unfortunately the real world are making her work too hard !!! damn bosses !!

87. Posted by Cupcake (Travel Guru 8468 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

slowly I turned...step by step....Ooppsy, wrong novel....;)

88. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

Antonio grabs a handful of popcorn, shoves it into his mouth with a Latin flair, and spills a few butter-soaked pieces onto the couch as he does. Jude looks at him incredulously, "You pig! Look at the mess you are making! Do you think that all I have to do all day is make movies and clean up after you? This is an Armani couch, you know... It doesn't clean itself!" Antonio, feeling scolded, replies, "Oh, my leettle Breeteesh toyboy - chu know I luf chu. And for chu, tomorrow I weell call de agency an arranche for a cute leetle maid so that chu weell not haf to soil churself weeth my mess. Cahn we get back to de mooffie now?"

Floating serenely, yet evily, upon the completely calm water, The Evil Twin Norwegian Mad Scientists begin to reshape their evil plans...

After circling the island 14 times at full speed in search of the Two for One Guinness Pint Happy Hour pub and grill, the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy suddenly comes to a screeching halt. The hatch of the submarine is flung open and Captain CoupCake emerges with binoculars in hand. She leaps the 3 feet (85 meters) to the deck, her Michael Jackson style (in gold and silver) epaulets bobbing ever-so-energetically up and down in the breeze. Bringing the spyglasses to bear, Captain CoupCake shouts (in her most officlal sounding voice), "Helloooooooo! Anyone home???" Several people, who are sitting on the pub and grill's outdoor palm-thatched deck not 20 feet (1km) from the bow of the seriously beached submarine (instigating the screeching halt mentioned above), turn to eye Captain CoupCake suspiciously. "Are we in time for the Two for One Guinness Pint Happy Hour? Is there a cover charge? What about IDs - are they checking those?", asked the Captain of the on-lookers. A lone Cockney voice breaks the silence... "Right then! It appears that you have just killed Smithers, as he was quietly sunbathing face down on the beach right in the spot your little not-so-good-at-floating boaty thingy's midsection now appears to be occupying." A somewhat faint and frail voice emminates from under the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy, "I'm not dead yet... Actually, I feel much better... Would someone be so kind as to fetch me a pint?"
We leave the restless crew as they scramble to find their IDs and grass skirts, blissfully unaware what evil is transpiring on the other side of Evil Island...

On the other side of Evil Island, evil is transpiring.... (But, that will be covered a few sentences further on....)
The flock has gathered around the befuddled Nikki, including the completely recovered but still confused Eve and her friendly llama who is not named Tina. Phil makes sure that his durian, Precious, is facing the group so as not to miss any of the descriptive dialogue which is about to ensue. "Good God, I'm bored. Doesn't this story have any action in it? I'd go for a good Antonio Banderas or Jude Law movie about now." Everyone exchanges furtive glances as Precious (yes, the durian) begins to speak again, "Anyone have a cell phone? What's Tom Hanks' number? I'm sure he will have an acting part for me and I can get out of THIS damn storyline." Phil quickly places Precious back in the pocket of his tattered cargo shorts and hopes that no one has Tom's phone number. He can't imagine life without his Precious.
All eyes return to Nikki as she begins her soliloquy... As Nikki's mouth begins to form the first word, a familiar voice echos out, "Martinis are served!" The flock disperses quickly, leaving Nikki with a mouthful of unspoken words. "Screw it! Mine was a lemon twist!", and Nikki follows the crowd.... "Good thing you remembered to pack the inflatable patio furniture, My Love Angel," says Mr. Isa as he effortlessly arranges seating for seven around the inflatable teakwood table. "Did you remember the umbrella too, Dear? Oh, Phil, NO! Precious can not have it's own chair unless you do something about those spikes." Seating themselves around the inflatable teakwood table, our intrepid travelers turn their attention once again to Nikki, who is once again poised to begin her (previously interrupted before it even started) soliloquy. "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times... Whether 'tis nobler... No! Wait! That's not it... Slowly, I turned. Step by step... No! Not that either. Right, one more time... Here is our situation as it stands. Eve has been rescued (well, sort of...), Dr. Greg, Evil Island's Mad Scientist/Consultant Extrordinaire has Vixen Viv in his clutches behind the Evil Lair Super Door, the Wocca-beast has been subdued, Super Agent MattXIII of MI6 is over there playing with his Super-Duper MI6 gadgets, Precious is a talking durian with an attitude, Phil is mumbling to himself again, Gelli has just reunited with the mushroom munching Dolly, the RCS Sinky Boat Thingy has mysteriously disappeared, the Evil Brothers still have something up their oddly sized sleeves, there is an enormous blimp looming over the volcano, the Isa's mix a mean martini (shaken, not stirred), and I'm buzzed. Another lemon twist, please, Mr. I." Mrs. Isa swallows the last of her drink and comments "Yes, Dear, very good martinis indeed! And, as a side note - is that not our blimp looming so precipitously over that lava-spewing dome? However are we to retrieve her now?" "By crackers, I do believe you are correct, My Pashmina Poppett!", replies Mr. Isa as he gracefully passes out another round, "I'll just nip in to your Louis Vuitton travel satchel/Tardis and extract the Blimp Command Remote Control."

The sun begins to set as our slightly drunken band of seven, one llama who is not named Tina, one drug-adled sheep named Dolly and one talking durian named Precious continue discussing the tasks and plans yet to come...

"A maid would be quite refreshing. Thank you Antonio. Who has ever heard of a talking durian? Are you sure we can't rent Alfie again???" "Chu're weelcome, My Pale Paramour. No, I'm sorry, no Alfie anymore. Besides, I weesh to see what de Siamese Tween Norwegian Mad Scienteets are going to do next."

89. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

TWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DON'T REPLY, THE BUSH BABY (GW) WILL CONSIDER EVIL ISLAND PART OF THE AXIS OF EVIL AND START DROPPING BOMBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, just letting you know... And, all you other novelists out there... WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?????????
The story could well be moved to Mount Isa, Queensland, Oz after GW drops the bomb!

90. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 13y Star this if you like it!

Go ahead! Check your maps - Mount Isa in Queensland really does exist!!! And - IT WILL BE OURS!!!!!! ALL OURS!!!!!!!!!!! And then.... WOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (Watch out, OZ!)

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