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Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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371. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!


1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby,
and your biltong (South African jerky) is getting wet, then, for the eating
period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The Crying Game'
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have S*x with her Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky

27. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets a Play station 3. End
of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

[ Edit: Edited on Jun 14, 2007, at 12:33 AM by Jase007 ]

372. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA is not an
option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.' We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of
Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which 'feminine
hygiene product' is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a
bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either s*x, cars or sport. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like
looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand
Men...the above might seem like a joke. But it's not...........

Send this to as many men to give them a laugh but even more women to
educate them.

373. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with very envelope that needs sealing.

lso, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!

By the way....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

374. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, something is 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have s_x with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.

"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, " many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

375. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

Little Johnny has been pestering his father for ages about getting a TV in his bedroom. So, after several months, his dad relents and buys him a small TV for his bedroom.

One afternoon, the dad is sitting in the living room when little Johnny comes down the stairs from watching his TV. "Dad?" he says, "What's 'love juice'?". His father, quite taken aback, sighs and proceeds to tell young Johnny all about sex. Little Johnny sits there with his mouth open looking quite shocked.

After he's explained all there is to explain about the birds and the bees, the dad asks "What were you watching anyway?"

"Wimbledon." Johnny replies.

376. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for $44. She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,"
he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused
by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you
get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

377. Posted by mikeyBoab (Travel Guru 5077 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

Liverpool airport was shut for eight hours yesterday after a suspicious car was found outside. Apparently it was taxed, insured and all four hub caps were still fitted.

378. Posted by james (Travel Guru 4138 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

There was this virgin from Essex.....

379. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

July is summer in the UK

380. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y Star this if you like it!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to
go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this ! approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and! the women administering
it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support
group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

[ Edit: Edited on Jul 5, 2007, at 4:52 AM by Jase007 ]

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