Joke of the day.

Travel Forums Off Topic Joke of the day.

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611. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

In the jungle - the African jungle, 3 lions weep tonight,
Theyre coming home again once more, without a single smile in sight.
A win? no-way, a win? no-way, a win? no-way, a win? no-way,
A win? no-way, a win? no-way, a win? no-way, a win? no-way.

612. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3580 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They
were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

613. Posted by Johnny26 (First Time Poster 1 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

ohhh I get it..

614. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3580 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

An Irish couple, just married, turn up at a Hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The hotel receptionist asks “Do you have reservations?” Bride says “I’m a bit worried about taking it up the arse”

[ Edit: Edited on 05-Jul-2010, at 10:33 by vegasmike6 ]

615. Posted by flyingbob (Inactive 842 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

Tooth fairy to man.... 'You can have any wish you like'
Man to tooth fairy.... 'I want to live forever'
Tooth fairy to man.... 'Oh Im not allowed to do live forever wishes. Think of something else.'
Man to tooth fairy.... 'OK - how about making me die on the day England win the World Cup then?'
Tooth fairy to man.... 'Crafty bugger'.

[ Edit: Edited on 05-Jul-2010, at 11:25 by flyingbob ]

616. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3580 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!


The train was quite crowded, and
a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a
seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked,
'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French
woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular 'Americans are so rude. My little
Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

Shes norted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you
are also arrogant!' This time the Marine
didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat
down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must
defend my honour! This American should be
put in his place!' An English gentleman
sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your cars on the wrong
side of the road. And now, sir, you seem
to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the

617. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3580 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral
at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
told stories like spilled milk and pennies saved, etc.
But then the teacher asked Janie, "Do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible
story? ' "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[ Edit: Edited on 13-Jul-2010, at 00:05 by vegasmike6 ]

618. Posted by beerman (Respected Member 1631 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

A young man from up North was driving through a rather lonely stretch of the South when he had car trouble. He flagged down a car and they called a tow truck that towed him and his car to the nearest town, which was nothing more than a bar and a guy with a shop in his garage. While he was waiting for his car to be fixed, he went into the local bar. As soon as he stepped into the bar, the whole place went quiet and every face in the place turned toward him with less than friendly expressions. The bartender spit at his feet and asked what he wanted to drink.
"I'll have a white wine spritzer" he said.
The bartender slammed down a beer in a dirty glass, and said, "Yer not from around here, are you, boy?"
"No", he said, "I'm from Milwaukee."
The bartender said, " "And what do you do in this here Milwaukee place?"
The man said, "I'm a taxidermist."
With a sneer, the bartender said, "And what does a 'tax-ee-der-meest' do in this here Milwaukee place, boy?"
He said, "Well, I mount dead animals."
With a big smile, the bartender slaps the bar and shouts, "It's OK, boys. He's one of us"

619. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up !.

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of a bad back.
"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.
"Having sex doggy style!" says Paddy.
"Why not have sex the normal way?" asks the Doctor.
"I do " says Paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face!"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the feck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".

620. Posted by vegasmike6 (Travel Guru 3580 posts) 8y Star this if you like it!

Subject: Retired golfer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
people show up. One is a gorgeous blond in her
mid-twenties, and an old retired golfer in his sixties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar
coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair,
the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've
never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of there.

[ Edit: Edited on 28-Jul-2010, at 23:20 by vegasmike6 ]

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