TP Novel Three... The Choices One Makes...

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21. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

George was relieved to see Francine and even more relieved at her ability to defuse her father with a few whispered words. But, glancing around once more, he, again, noticed his poor mangled C90 resting amid the tulips and pansies. Even Francine's electric smile could not douse his thoughts of the repair bill, nor how he was going to deliver the payslips to the pizza parlor. "Hey there, Georgie! Let me buy you a pint and then give you a lift back to work. How's that sound? You look like you could use a little nip." Francine's voice was that of an angel, and who could turn down a free draught?!

Though not always the quickest on the stick, George did realize his one chance to become better acquainted with the girl of his dreams had been thrust upon him. It was now or never...

They sat at a small table in the back of the pub - the perfect place to avoid any eye-contact with francine's father. George looked up and into those big blue eyes... "Francine, I know I have just demolished your father's garden, allowed you to rescue me from his wrathe, and let you buy me a pint, but... I was wondering... Well, more thinking about.... Uuummmm..... Well...."
"Yes Georgie, you can pick me up at 8:00pm sharp. Don't be late or I will have tell Daddy..." and that beautiful smile of hers appeared out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, and back at George's lodgings, Dolly was becoming anxious... George had never been this late from work before. She began pacing the floor and baaing loudly. From the next room, she heard: "Shut up your crazy git! If you're going to put it to the sheep, at least put a gag in it! I'd like to get MY money's worth without interruption from fecking farm animals!!" All Dolly could answer back was, "BAAAAAAA BAAAAAAAA, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" (Ovine for Feck off, asshole!)

22. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

George got to the door at the bed & breakfast that he shared with Dolly, they didn’t have too much choice when selecting somewhere to stay as there was still a lot of stigma attached to inter-species relationships. Taking a deep breath George was running through what he was going to say to Dolly about being late, and what excuse he was going to make to get out to meet Francine.
“baa baaaa ba ba baaah” (where the fuck have you been?) screamed Dolly
“I’ve had an accident on the bike, and I’ve got to report to the police station tonight to give a statement” was George’s reply.
“Baaaaaaaaah baaa bah ba bah bbaaaah” (and you never thought to tell me!!) Dolly bleated through tears.
George was shaking his head, Dolly had changed so much in the short time they had been in the village. When she wandered down the street she would capture the eye of every red blooded male, he knew that they lusted after her meaty legs. Dolly had loved the attention and played up to it at every opportunity possible. This had made it easy for George to lie about what he was going to do later on that evening, gosh it was 6:30 and he wanted to have a bath before heading off out.
“Run me a bath will you, I’ll need to clean up before going to the station”
Now at this point, I must tell you something about George, you may have got the impression that George was some sort of sheep shagging Welshman who had taken the motto animal lover a bit too literally, but you’d be wrong you see George is a Llama. Francine is a lithe and tall pure bread alpaca, whilst Dolly is a pure Merino. The only real people of such are the TP guys living on the edge of the village and the odd tourist, but to call them normal would be pushing it a bit too far. You see the animals have finally got sick of being raised just to be sent to the supermarket, I mean most people today think that a pork chop comes from the supermarket and not a pig. The animals finally got sick of this situation and tried to take back some credit for the food humans were tucking into!!!!
The revolution had been quick, it had taken the humans by surprise, when all the sheep, cows and chickens had walked out of the farms and picketed parliament calling for recognition. Never in their wildest dreams had they imagined that the stupid humans would actually give them equal rights, what a stupid species.

23. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!


Back at the lab, Professor McMoo gives his wonky computer a good whack, swearing under his breath and rechewing the cud he ate for breakfast in frustration.


"Watch the language! Crazy cow."

"Last time I'm taking you to work, Mom!"

"Well, what's wrong with your silly computer-thingy?"

"The sheep-cam is gone off again. Now how am I supposed to keep an eye on Dolly's comings and goings?"

"Dolly, Dolly, Dolly! You never take your mother out anywhere."

"Mom, I'm trying to work here!"

"Well, I'm just saying you should spend a little more time with your own herd..."

"Dolly will be my ticket to fame, Ma. Once the world knows how I was able to..."

Suddenly (yes! there's a suddenly!), the sheep-cam springs to life, and Professor and Mrs. McMoo watch as Dolly steps out of a stretch limosine, dressed to the nines, and holding the well-dressed arm of...

24. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

George was thinking to himself "how the f*ck did I manage to get myself into this, I hate these posh openings, and beside i was supposed to be taking Francine out round the bikesheds tonight!"
Dolly was lapping up the attention, she had spent ages getting ready doing her fleece just so it looked freshly teased without looking shappy or needing shawn.

Just then "Bang !!!!" there was an almighty blast. The force of which sent all and sundry flying though the air in a multitude of directions. George was knocked out bleeding from one of his front legs and had a ear sliced off by a piece of a flying microphone.

Dolly woke up to see this strange looking LLama staring at her, muttering something about how she wasn't going to ruin her boys life.
"Oh, so you are alive" said the LLima
"what, what happened?"came Dolly's reply. She was scared now, having just noticed that she was strapped down to a manky old kitchen table, there seemed to be some sort of dish sitting near her, the small of burning flesh, oh the small - just like a sirlion steak frying.
Just the the LLima poked her, "Now just to let you know I'm TINA, and over there throwing the knives at the board drinking cider is my son McMoo, he's a professor you know, addmitatly not a good one but all the same. He's going to strip that pretty little face off you and exchange it for one more fitting to your status of a SLUT!!!"

[ Edit: Fixed tags and typos ]

25. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

When suddenly...

In a dark office, sitting in the shadows, an immaculately dressed doberman nods his head as the last in a long line of visitors makes his request. The doberman reaches out his paw in assent, and the visitor trots over to kiss the doberman's ring.

"It is done."

"Thank you, thank you."

"Now go - it's been a long day."

The visitor leaves, and the doberman turns to look at the rest of his pack - all dressed in suits, one or two with a fedora, another with a dangling cigarette. Each has a full breast pocket - and a little something around the ankle, just in case. They wait patiently for the doberman to speak.

"McMoo," he says finally.

"Yeah...?" replies Vinnie.

"I wannem here."


"Yeah. Today. Him and that mother of 'is."

"Of course."

"Some lines should not be crossed."


"This is the family, my family. I will not have this sorry bovine make a mockery of my family. Dolly is my brother's wife. McMoo will have to pay."

The doberman dismisses them with a wave, but calls the smallest back.



"Make sure you bring McMoo back alive. I don't want no repeat of the last time."

"Yes, Dogfather. I understand."

26. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

I'm absolutely speachless at the moment and need a piddle break!!!!!

Isa leaves to go pee and think of something appropriate for a continuing installment. She also suspects, due to the time difference, that Plant-life (aka Jase007) will have beat her to the punch...

ps: I will be starting a word doc of this novel. It's just too rich not to...

[ Edit: Added post script ]

27. Posted by Jase007 (Respected Member 8870 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

he he he, the pee must have been a long one

Tina (the LLama) was busy washing out the bucket of her lodger Richard. Richard is an Antelope, and as everyone knows Antelopes don't sleep, also in Richards case there is a great shortage of female antelopes in the west of England so he continually masterbates at every possible oppertunity.
Tina: "I wish Richard would clean up is own mess, i'm getting sick of changing his crusty bedsheets".
There was a knock at the door 'BANG, BANG' two bullet holes appeared in the kitchen window.
Richard came trotting down the hallway to see what had happened, on seeing it he cantered the opposite was at ten times the rate screaming in his high pitched voice "oh my god, oh my god!!".
He then hid under the coffee table in the lounge.

Meanwhile Tina had been hit in the right ear which now was pissing blood over the floor, her nice clean floor.
Tina: "that hurt you f*ckers".
Her last thought before she fainted was: "My curtains need cleaning......

28. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

29. Posted by Isadora (Travel Guru 13926 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

A little history...

Before the revolution - when the animals were still penned, caged, and separated by species - Carmine was allowed the roam the farm freely as the designated enforcer. It was his job, and his alone, to see that the species were not co-mingling in an inappropriate fashion. Simple friendships and the occasioanl gossip session were commonplace, but anything more was considered a mortal sin. Carmine was very pleased with his position of power. Many times he had reported fowl play between the chickens and the turkeys (neither consider the brightest bulbs in the chandelier) and he was rewarded well for his actions. He was, after all, a Doberman of distinction among his peers.

One afternoon, while making his daily inspection of the fences, Carmine saw the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon. There she stood, grazing on dandilion and clover, her fleece sparkling in the sun. Though he recognized this creature as a sheep, he could not stop himself from staring at her full body of wool. It was love at first sight. He also knew these emotions welling up inside of him were of a forbidden nature, but Carmine could not take his eyes off of Dolly. He watched her graze for the whole afternoon.

Dolly was not unaware of Carmine's presence either. She had seen his arrival at the fence line from the corner of her eye. Being in a playful mood, she turned just slightly so that the sun would be shining brightly down on her. Dolly was known for being a "tease" and she wasn't going to miss this opportunity to enjoy a little flirting with the Dobe. She saw how he looked at her with lust in his eyes. She also noticed how he licked himself, trying to pretend he was just going for a flea. Dolly knew better... She toyed with the enforcer all afternoon, moving this way and that in order to keep his attention. When it was time to return to the paddock, Dolly gave Carmine a wink of an eye and trotted merrily back to the herd.

"Damn it!", Carmine said under his breath, "This can't be happening to me! I am the enforcer. I can't have feelings for a sheep!" But, it was too late - Carmine was smitten. As he finished his rounds, all he could think about was seeing Dolly again and how he was going to tell her about his feelings for her. Heading back to the farmhouse for his bowl of Kibble and Bits, Carmine also realized that his brother, the DogFather, was not going to understand this turn of events, nor allow him to share his life with a sheep. That night, his dreams were consumed with Dolly and snuggling deep into her wonderous wool.

Little did Carmine realize, a revolution was about to take place that would solve all of his problems.....

30. Posted by tway (Travel Guru 7273 posts) 12y Star this if you like it!

This sounds like a job for the great ursine revolutionary Che Bearvera...