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Travel Forums General Talk HELP!!!

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1. Posted by lisa1987 (First Time Poster 1 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

I've just turned 21 and really want to go traveling,
the problem, i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years and he wont go cause he doesnt want to leave his job.
Me on the other hand is stuck in a job i hate but want to gt a mortgage, im so torn do i stay here and get a mortgage and poss regret not going or do i go break up with my bloke and then poss regret not staying!! im at such a loss i dont know what to do and its eating me up, i really need help, is anyone in the same situation?
If i did go i ouldnt have anyone to go with and imso scared of going it alone
please help me.


2. Posted by Sander (Moderator 5174 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

You're definitely not the only one in this situation - the question comes up here on the forum every couple of weeks.
Of course, every relationship is different, and there's never a perfect answer, but in general you can expect people here to recommend to you to go travelling (us all being travellers). :)
21 is rather young to be thinking about tying yourself down with a mortgage, imho. Many non-travellers will tell you that it's the "sensible" thing to do (although with the whole subprime mess, I'd recommend waiting at least a year for the fallout of that before thinking about it!), but you'll never be as free of restrictions as you are now, and this is really the best time of your life to go do some long-term travelling and see all the other things life has to offer. Long-term travelling will also help you a lot later on in your life. Employers will see it as a sign that you are an independent thinker, capable of tackling unexpected events, and will know that you've been exposed to many different cultures and ways of life, which is always a benefit. And you yourself will almost certainly grow in ways you can't begin to imagine yet, right now. (And neither can we, for everyone gets something different out of travelling.)

Setting off to travel won't necessarily have to mean an end to the relationship with your boyfriend. Even if he doesn't want to give up his job, you could keep in touch daily via email, calling him regularly and asking him to come visit you for a month halfway through your trip. It'll be insanely hard (all long distance relationships are, and you'll experience so much every day that you should be prepared for your mindsets to diverge rapidly), but nothing is ever a foregone conclusion, so if you both believe this relationship is worth fighting for, there's nothing that says it will have to be the end.

As for going it alone: most people who do (which is most people, as solo travel is pretty much the most common scenario) suffer from these pangs of fear before setting off. You'll be going off into the unknown, to experience a radically different lifestyle, with no one around to give you a common frame of reference, no one to fall back upon, no one to have expectations of you and make you act in a familiar way.
And after a mere few days on the road, you'll see that this means near ultimate freedom; you'll be able to explore who you really are and what you really care for in life, no longer bound by your history and the expectations of people who know you. Yet all the same you'll be far from alone, for all around you in the hostels and guesthouses that you'll be staying at will be dozens and even hundreds of other people doing the same, and you'll quickly connect to some of them and share experiences to then set off again in different directions and experience new things and meet up with other people and ask them where they've been which was good (and perhaps you'll travel together for a few weeks), and maybe six months down the road you'll meet up with these first people you met again, and they'll feel like long lost friends and you'll talk the night away comparing experiences and swapping tales. (Plus there's always us here at travellerspoint if you want to get some feedback on your experiences, or are feeling stuck in a strange city, or need any other kind of advice.)
And at some point you'll be sitting at a little courtyard cafe in New Orleans, sipping a morning coffee and eating a beignet and leafing through your lonely planet to see where you'll go today, when the wind picks up and rustles the leaves of the tree above you just enough for the sun to peak through and momentarily blind you. Or you'll be walking along the harbour in Sydney, the sun on your face while you're looking out toward the eternal coming and going of the ferries and seeing the tourist crowds around the Opera House, when you hear a loud screech and look up to see the majestic white form of a sulfur crested cockatoo winging its way overhead, right there in the middle of the city. Or you'll be visiting Cathedral Cove in New Zealand, and caught by a sudden rainstorm you're sheltering in the cave which gave entrance to that beach, when the booming of thunder happens at the exact same time as a large wave crashes against the rocks... and then you'll realize that damn, this experience is one you'll remember for the rest of your life, and no mortgage could ever have weighed up against it.

Or maybe you'll realize after a month that hey, travelling wasn't for you after all, and you're homesick like hell, and so will return home straight away. (There's not many people who have this, but it does happen.) But at least you'll have taken the chance, and won't ever have to regret it.

[ Edit: Edited on Aug 23, 2008, at 6:08 AM by Sander ]

3. Posted by Piecar (Travel Guru 1031 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

My God...Another Tempest in A Teapot.

Tell the dude you are going to travel and let the chips fall where they may. He wants to stay home with his job....great...Do you work there?

Farking NO!

SO you are not tied to that job....

Also....You are Twenty FARKING ONE!!! Look around and read....Why are trying to tie yourself to a mortgage ALREADY?!?!?!?!

Damn! Stop reading flyers, you kids! Get out there! They are selling you lies and considering you nothing but "Consumers" (The biggest insult I have ever seen, and no one even thinks twice) GO OUT and see some of the world....Go TO Central America, or Africa....Then decide whether having a mortgage debt is worth the effort.

Also...bad news....Just turned 21....You and fella ain't gonna work out.....You like to travel, and he likes to stay at work instead of that. Differences immediately.

Shit, man.

(And if you decide to stay in UrbanVille and settle down with JobBoy....Great....But you WILL ALWAYS BE ANGRY ABOUT IT)

This is not a great issue....You go...and he stays. If you want to make him show his commitment...Make him find a way.

[ Edit: Edited on Aug 23, 2008, at 7:37 PM by Piecar ]

4. Posted by aussiecat (Budding Member 12 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

hahaha I think you get that most people here will say travel. Having been in a similar situation before I decided to go and he decided to come! Were not together anymore (were for 4 years) & I'm traveling while he's regretting not but too scared to go alone. If you go travelling you dont have to go for a long time either. You dont have to start by doing a RTW, a month will fly by for both of you. You dont have to go alone either, you can look for a travel buddy, probably best to specify female for your boys sake, or do a tour. Your not gonna find too many people recommending tours here though. And some people do find the right person at 21, honestly not to many but it does happen. Dont let these guys get you down, but they are right, you are sooo young, way to young for a morgage.

5. Posted by Matt19849 (Budding Member 33 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

I was in the same position as you, i decided to go travel Australia for a couple of months, came back and we were still together - still are now and im planning my next trip again to thailand this time. It can be done just stay in contact with them while you away, email, txt, phone call now and then. If your happy with each other enough then your boyfriend wont stop you and will wait for u to come back. If he doesnt then he doesn't want to be with you as much as you thought and leaves you when your away still went travelling and are exploring the world meeting new people expriencing new cultures so no biggie!

6. Posted by Lachesis (Budding Member 26 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

Lisa, follow your heart. If you wanna travel do it. If you wanna stay back do so. Don't do what others expect you to do. Be yourself. Like everybody suggested, if you can't stay away from him for long, go on a trip which won't last more than a month. Find a friend and GO! :)

Sander, you make me wanna open the door and disappear in the unknown! ;)

7. Posted by Sander (Moderator 5174 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

Quoting Lachesis

Sander, you make me wanna open the door and disappear in the unknown! ;)

*grins happily* Thanks. Must mean I managed to convey some of the right feelings with my post (probably because having just returned from another long trip myself, I want nothing more than to head right back out that door myself...) :)

8. Posted by Gelli (Travel Guru 2457 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!


If you truly are mean't to be with your boyf, you will survive the split (providing you both understand the ground rules). You can either split up now and get back together later if so desired, or continue long distance. It all depends on how long you will be away, obviously, but if you are planning, say, 6months, you can still easily stay in touch/together. Especially if you arrange somewhere in the middle where he can come and join you for a 2-3week holiday.

But at such a young age, in 20years time, you are more likely to regret not travelling than breaking up with your boyf.

9. Posted by typermonky (Budding Member 17 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

Take it from someone who's been in this situation so many times before. Just go!!! As was said in an ealier post you don't have to break up with your b/f just because he doesn't want to travel. I've been meaning to travel ever since i was 18 but being afraid to travel on my own ment i was always waiting on other people. That really sucks, more than anything. When you have the cash and they don't.....(mini rant in my head) Secondly, if you let your b/f get in the way and don't travel you could really regret it and as a result put alot of pressure on the relationship.

Final thing, i'm 26 now been in the same job for 7years and it's getting a little dull. I can't think of anything worse than holding myself back with a job to pay for a morgage which won't be paid off for however many years then to find i have a family and can't travel properly till retirement or when i become a millionare;)

Do it while you can


[ Edit: Edited on Aug 25, 2008, at 11:21 AM by typermonky ]

10. Posted by pazz5 (Budding Member 60 posts) 9y Star this if you like it!

I have to agree with the consensus in this thread. DO IT!

I am in a very similar position to you at the moment. I wanted to travel, my (ex)girlfriend didn't. I decided that I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself and I would possibly even resent her if I didn't go (even though resent may be a strong word).

We ended up splitting up and I am now almost at the point financially where I can afford to go away on the trip of a lifetime. I am thinking about the hotels to book, the flights to get and the dates to go much more then I am thinking of her even though we are still close friends.

Who knows, if you guys are meant to be together, whats to say you wont rekindle your love when you return?

[ Edit: Edited on Aug 25, 2008, at 11:32 AM by pazz5 ]