your thoughts...especially if you moved to be with someone

hello all,

It's been a while. I just want to get some thoughts about what could go wrong or what could be good about something.

So almost two years ago I moved to NZ for a little bit. I met and Irish girl and we hit it off amazingly. Coolest person I've ever met. But after a little more than a month of being attached at the hip 24/7 we had to go back to our home countries. well shortly after I visited her, and then she visited about 7 or 8 months ago. both times were great, we met each other's family and friends, it all went great. (after she came here, my mom asked me when I planned on moving to ireland!)

So anyway I still talk to her, not as much as I would like, maybe about once a month, but when I do it's always for a good 4 or 5 hours. But we don't consider ourselves a couple. mostly because we live on different sides of the atlantic.

Recently, a friend of mine told me he has plans to move to ireland in december for a 1 year work/holiday and asked me if I want to split an apartment! Some might think..."It's a no-brainer. Go for it!"

here's where it get's tricky... I'll be 29 in december, so it's definitely time to start thinking about the future and saving. I just landed a decent job at law firm as a graphic designer. I already have a year-long gap on my resume from when I went to OZ/NZ. so another gap would just raise a flag to any potential employers.

and before anyone asks... yeah, I'm in love, but I'm not 100% sure about how she feels, obviously there is something there, since she visited me, but idunno. I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel but neither one of us have really addressed it head-on because, well there was really no point, since we live on different continents and we're both commitment-phobes.

so what are your thoughts?
I have the money saved up now to cover myself for a few months with no job and will be able to save a lot more until december. Should I take another trip and buckle down and look for work in ireland despite their less-than-stellar economy? Or should I thank my lucky stars that I have a good paying job in this terrible economy and stay in america. If I don't go, will I regret it for the rest of my life? If I do go and it doesn't work out, I may have to come back to america and live with my parents. At 29 years old that is not something I would like to do.

as I said before my mom said months ago that I should go there. Should I talk it out with my parents in case it does come down to me living with them if things don't work out? I want to come right out and ask her how she would feel but that would add a ton of pressure to a relationship...unless I made the trip more about me and my friend looking for work. I'm just thinking out loud right now.

my biggest fear with all of this, is work. I think My portfolio is pretty strong, but when I was in NZ I applied for every design job I possibly could and I heard nothing back. It was right when the recession kicked-in, but I know Ireland has been hit by the recession as well. I'm really afraid of not being able to find a good job over there and just putting another huge gap on my resume.

any response is welcome?

Great to read your story Cool Paul.
You already mention a lot of advantages and disadvantages, so the only thing I am going to say right now is the following: 'In general people don't regret the things they have done, but the things they didn't do!'

This quote obviously is a cliché but in this situation it couldn't be a more appropriate quote don't you think!

Maybe only one thing to do first is call here and tell her that this opportunity has popped up. I guess by know you know her and you can immediately feel it if she thinks that great or if she reacts a little suprised in a negative way.

Just my two cents

[ Edit: Edited on 05-Jul-2010, at 12:53 by Utrecht ]

I think you're walking on thin ice at the moment - what with that gap in your resume! At another time, I would be all for you moving to Ireland, but this is 2010 and times are brutal. Also occurs to me that if this girl really likes you, she might be willing to come to the States for you, if you ask.

I have personally done many foolish things in the past, and I would hate for you to look at my patchy resume, however, those crazy moves were done in times of prosperity!

Paul,
I think both Michael & Johnny gave you good advice. I will only add that I found it much easier to find a job than find 'the one'. I've had many jobs over the years, but am still single at 61! I thought I found 'the one' in VN several years ago, but she got a better offer and gave me the boot! Another sad story.

My best advice: If you feel she is the one you want to spend your life with, DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY!

hmmm sound advice all around

you make a good point mike. a very good point. on one hand I'm turning 29 and I need to think about my future. On the other hand...I'm turning 29 and I need to think about my future.

work or love

I guess I'll talk with her, talk with my parents, see how my new job progresses, and apply like mad for any jobs over there when the time comes near.

I'd be all for her moving to the states but she seems to be happy to be back home.

When I moved to Norway 7 years ago (26), I was in a somewhat similar position. I was basically choosing for love over work, given that I spoke absolutely 0 Norwegian, and Norwegian companies don't seem to be too keen to hire English speakers. Borrowed some money from a friend and took the plunge, and here I am now married with a kid and a house. And a job or two as well One big difference though is that we were a couple, and we were going for it together.

I'd love to tell you to take the plunge and just do it, but what happens if you get there and she's already seeing someone? Then you might end up with a ton of regrets, and Ireland just won't be at all what you were expecting I'm guessing. I don't think the hole in the resume is that big of an issue, but that might be very different for American employers...

I think I'd lean towards Michael's option. Give her a call and tell her the opportunity has come up and that you're considering it. I usually find that within 5 minutes you can figure out what the other person feels about it just by doing this. I can think of two cases where I've broken up with a girl based on similar calls Then again, just having it work the one time is more than enough!!

Quoting Sam I Am

I think I'd lean towards Michael's option. Give her a call and tell her the opportunity has come up and that you're considering it. I usually find that within 5 minutes you can figure out what the other person feels about it just by doing this.

Agreed, from a female perspective you need to talk to her about it. Give her a call and tell her, ask what the job situation is there etc. I haven't moved to another country for someone but I know if I was the girl in this situation and you were both hoping to make a go of a relationship you need to discuss this together and know what each other are expecting. Don't just make the decision and assume it would be ok, as Sam says what if she is already seeing someone!

Is there any chance of you continuing to work for your current employer in the US remotely - as a Graphic Designer do you need to be in their office to do the work? Not sure but just an option - you can always float it to your employer and see what they say?

I'm with Sam and Donna, you should definitely talk to her. If she feels even remotely similar, then I would go for it. I met my husband while abroad and after my visit there (south africa) and his visit here (philly), we'd decided that I would move to SA for six months to see what would happen, then I got offered my dream job as an Art Director at a growing ad agency. Well, I chose love and here we are married for almost seven years now, and I've been freelancing ever since. Perhaps I'm a little anti-establishment, but I wouldn't worry to much about a gap in your resume. In the design industry, there is a little leeway for eccentricity, especially if your portfolio is strong and your reasons for the gap are commendable. But you should definitely talk to her first and be sure she's of like mind.

thanks soupatrvlr, it helps to see a response from another graphic designer, from philly.

I definitely have to talk with her about it. probably this weekend. hopefully she makes it an easy decision either way.

just to complicate matters... I was just offered a full-time position yesterday at one of the places I've been freelancing and the offer is really good. It's an opportunity to pay off my student loans and save for Ireland, but it's also a nice job title, easy work, security for the future, outstanding benefits and it would enable me to move to one of the cooler neighborhoods in Philly and be really close to work.